Dancing to our own beat

     Last week I was invited out to go dancing with Non-lesbian and her college friend who was in town.  Non-lesbian was trying to get me to wear a dress, a cocktail dress.  Yeah, there is no way I was going to do that.  I haven’t dealt with someone trying to get me in a dress in a long time, and I had gotten used to people respecting my choices and not pressuring me.  Non-lesbian reminded me of how I differed from other girls.  Anyways, the best bar in town for dancing is actually a gay bar, so we headed there.

     Her and her friend were dressed in well…dresses and I, on the urging of my roommate, wore a nice button up and dark jeans.  No one at the club besides the straight women was particularly dressed up.  Perhaps they did it because they felt they needed a sign for all those *gasp* lesbians *ungasp* to keep away.  Didn’t matter, no lesbians at this gay bar (well except for me).  No, this is one of those gay bars populated by gay men and straight women, and sometimes their boyfriends.

     Non-lesbian decides to invite the guy she’s has two dates with, who hasn’t kissed her yet (she can't believe it!).  When he arrives he is the most precious, but awkward software engineer ever.  He won’t dance, or loosen up, not even a little.   

     I get bored real easily, so at this point I was about to gnaw me eyes out, anything to get myself to bed and away.  Then I see a girl sitting by the side, and I think she’s watching me.  I figure it’s because I’m actually dancing and not grinding up on someone.  So I make the decision then to dance for her.  I stay dancing in a group with Non-lesbian and her friend, but in my head I decided it’s all for her.

     About five minutes later I see the girl has left, and I’m a bit disappointed, but when I turn around there she is ten feet to my left.  She is dancing alone.  I can’t help but smile.  I’ve got a dancing partner.  We’re nowhere near close to each other.  I continue dancing with my group, but in my head I’m dancing with the strange girl.

     She’s a peculiar little thing.  They way she’s dancing reminds me of Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter.  She’s dancing like she doesn’t have a care in the world.  She doesn’t care what anyone thinks about her.  She is truly free.  I am envious.  The strange girl and I dance on and off for about an hour.

     I could have danced longer, but I had to get up early in the morning.  I looked for the strange girl, but she was nowhere to be found.  My group left the club.  As we were walking outside in the cold, someone comes running over to us and stops in front of me.  It was the strange girl.

     “I had a great time dancing with you tonight.” 

     I was in shock, so I stuttered, “you…you too!” and then with a smile the strange girl was off.  I couldn’t believe it.  I had constructed this fantasy of dancing with her, all in my head, but she was right there with me, ten feet away.  Dancing separately, yet together.

     I should have asked her for her number, her name, anything.  She was pretty, possibly high, but I haven’t had that much fun dancing in months.  Non-lesbian and friends brushed off the encounter, but that night will stay with me for a long time to come.

     In other news: I’m calling it.  Non-lesbian is straight, though I feel like I did bring out some bi feelings in her.  I wish her well with her dorky software engineer.  

QBP: "I see dance being used as communication between body and soul, to express what it too deep to find for words."  -Ruth St. Denis

 

Line dancing – the L is for Lesbians

     The other night I went out to a gay club with Non-lesbian (her idea).  Last time I went to this club it was fun, though there was a claustrophobic abundance of gay men.  I had seen a scattering of lesbians on that night out and around the city, but I have never quite figured out where the lesbians hang out (couldn’t even find any at the roller derby…THE ROLLER DERBY!)

     But I digress.  While Non-lesbian and I were searching for friends at the club we ended up in a room I had never been in before and lo and behold!  Twenty/Thirty lesbians line dancing.  It was a truly wondrous sight to behold.  I even got to see a pocket drag king in a cowboy hat!  He was awesome.       

     Though I had a lot of fun, I had a few caveats about the night.  The lesbian crowd in the club was mostly older.  I felt like such a child.  I ask my question again, but now I have to modify it.  Where are all the lesbians my age?  Even still I’m trying to convince my gay friend, B, to go to the line dancing for beginners nights.  The line dancing looked like serious fun. 

     As for Non-lesbian, I feel perhaps she is getting over her crush on me.  She went out on a date with this guy (from her recent forays into online dating) before we went out to the club.  (Is it suspicious to make plans with your friend right after a date?  I mean wouldn’t you want to at least give yourself the possibility that the date might go really well?)  Besides commenting on how she really liked how I looked in my outfit (I was looking super fly), she didn’t give me any indication of her inclinations toward me.

QBP: "There is a bit of insanity in dancing that does everybody a great deal of good." -Edwin Denby

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Party time with Non-Lesbian

     I wanted to have a party.  So I decided since I celebrate Chanukah (a confusing family tradition), that I would invite my church friends, lesbian friends, and Non-Lesbian, A.  I wanted to introduce my friends to a neat aspect of Jewish culture and also I wanted to drink.  

     As the night wore on, my friends all drank more and pretty soon A was doing some interesting things…like hitting on me.  Every five minutes she would tell the room “how sexy I was” and every fifteen she’d say how sexy the rest of my friends were (all women).  She hit on me so hard that she made two of my church friends awkward.  Not because she was a woman hitting on a woman, but because she was a “straight” woman hitting so hard on another “straight” woman.  

     Despite all the alcohol in my system, I was very tame.  I’m not actually all that different when I drink, a bit more talkative and courageous.  Having said that, at some point that night, for some reason, I decided I was hot and took off my t-shirt, stripping to my A-shirt.  (I also danced for everyone, so I must have been intoxicated.  I love to dance, but not generally in front of other people.)  Looking back I think I did it because I was enjoying all the attention A was giving me.  It’s been awhile since someone has viewed me as a sexual being (if you don’t count the very drunk men at the bus stop).  

     Everyone at the party was getting frustrated with A and her not-so-subtle advances.  They kept on pointing out she could actually date women if she so choose.  I too accosted her (politely).  I asked if she liked women so much well then she should just become a lesbian.  All she responded with was “I wish”.  “I wish”?  This is the 21^st century; it doesn’t have to be a wish!  It can be an action!  (But that would make it a verb…hmmm…lesbianing?  Lesbainizing?  Lesbonicycling?)

     Unfortunately it was around this time that I felt I was tired and wanted to go to bed.  I left to go crash in my room.  Thankfully everyone was nicely intoxicated that they didn’t mind one of the hosts (my roommate being the other) leaving her own party.  (I found out later that actually I left because I was wearing a sailor’s hat slightly askew and getting slightly pissed that everyone was calling me “cute”.  “Cute” huh?  What an insult!)  

     I’ve only seen A once since the party.  She invited me out to “dinner and a movie”, but I had other plans so I invited her out to drinks with me and our mutual gay friends.  There’s not much to note of that night except that she got me a Christmas gift, a book in which she wrote a nice (platonic) note.  No one else got a gift.  

     Non-Lesbian, A. might be lesbi-curious, but I’m not going to be her experiment.  All the attention makes me uncomfortable anyway.  I’ll be her friend and support her, but I don’t want my first forays into that big gay world be with a straight girl, even if she is “straight”.

QBP: "Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony." -Robert Benchley

Who wouldn't hit on someone with this sexy mug?

Decisions and DADT in December

     The long awaited decision of whether or not I got into medical school has “not yet been made”.  That means all the stress I endured this week was for naught.  It’s infuriating.  I can’t make a decision about my future if I don’t have an answer on med school.  If I get in, wonderful, I’ll live out my dream and become a doctor.  If I don’t get it (or possibly even if I get waitlisted) I’ll give myself a strict time limit for brooding and then get ready to enlist. 

     The good news is that DADT, the stand-alone bill edition, passed the House yesterday.   Now on to the trickier Senate.  Let’s say I’ll be super enthused if it does pass the Senate.  If I end up enlisting and DADT gets repealed, it’s not as if I’m going to broadcast my sexual orientation to the masses.  I’m still a very private person, but at least I won’t have the fear that if someone were to find out, that I’d be kicked out. 

     Perhaps a repeal will actually help grant me the courage to tell my church friends I’m gay.  Cause at this point it’s ridiculous.  It’s gotten to the point where it’s almost a betrayal not to tell them.  I’ll talk about this soon, but I had a party a few weeks ago.  I invited my lesbian friends W and SL, my church friends, and Non-Lesbian, A.  No surprise, drinking brought out a very interesting side to Non-Lesbian. 

     Anyways, my church friends noticed how A was acting towards me, and asked if I had told her I wasn’t a lesbian.  Perfect opportunity right?  Well the words caught in my throat.  All I said was, “I told her about breaking up with my last boyfriend.”  To which one of my friends said, “You could be a lesbian and still have an ex-boyfriend.”  To which I said nothing.  The subject was changed and the topic not revisited. 

     In other news, I’m headed “home” for the holidays.  I haven’t seen my family in about a year.  But everyone, except my mother, knows about my sexual leanings.  It’s easy to do so when your brother comes out as gay and your own father is bi.  My mother is kept in the dark, frankly because we don’t get along and it’s none of her business. 

     So that’s me for now.  Pissed about not having a decision yet about med school; befuddled by Non-lesbian; frustrated by my inability to say two simple words (I’m gay), and anxious about being with my family for the holidays.

QBP: “Army values are taught to soldiers from their earliest days in the Army.  Those values are: Loyalty, duty, mutual respect, selfless service, honor, integrity and personal courage. We teach our soldiers that these are the values we expect them to live up to. I believe that as an institution, our military needs to live up to the values we demand of the service members. Military leaders need to respect all service members. We need to recognize that loyalty and selfless service are exhibited equally, by service members of every color, gender and sexual orientation.” -Three-star Retired Lieutenant General Claudia Kennedy

A coward lives here today

When you think about it, saying the words, "I'm gay" aren't actually physically difficult.

When talking about non-lesbian with a couple of my church friends, they kept on saying, "well you're not gay" and "Haven't you told her that?"  I responded, "I told her about my ex-boyfriend."  One of my friends, correctly responded, "Well you can have an ex-boyfriend and still be a lesbian." 

Argh!  I wanted to say it, but the words just couldn't come out.  I've been called brave and strong, but after last night, I don't think I have a right to those words.

QBP: "The difference between a hero and a coward is one step sideways. " -Gene Hackman

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AH!!! What do you want from me? Non-lesbian date #3

So you all remember non-lesbian, A, right?  Well if you don’t she is a girl I’ve been on a couple of “dates” with now, who talks about lesbians things, but is NOT a lesbian (her words).  Full story is here and here.  

      Some Thursdays we decide to hang out after she has class.  We agreed to hang out this past Thursday.  So I was chilling out in an blue A-shirt and baggy pajama pants watching a silly horror German flick, when I hear the doorbell.  Now I tend to be formal in appearance which means I never wear sweatpants to class and I don’t let new friends see me in pajamas.   I'm explaining this so you know how comfortable I was to begin with when I opened the door and there was A, without having called first.  What could I do except invite her in?  I apologize for my attire and she comments “The black looks good on you”.  Now I think she’s talking about my A-shirt, so I point out my shirt is more blue than black.  She points out she was talking about my hair and not my A-shirt.  I had recently dyed my hair and I had forgotten she hadn’t seen the outcome yet.  Usually I’m not so dim-witted, I swear.  So I laugh off the misunderstanding and then we sit and start chatting.

    Anyways flash forward to the pub we frequent.  She starts talking about the past weekend she had with our mutual gay guy friends.  She tells me she got drunk and then kissed a girl and then kissed a boy…and WAIT WHAT?  I was so stunned that I only half heard a comment about how the girl in question managed to “turn” her.  She said this all very quickly and unceremoniously before she proceeded to mention the guy she kissed.  I was too flabbergasted to bring the topic up again.  Okay I haven’t even kissed a girl and here is non-lesbian, a conservative Baptist preacher kid, telling me she kissed a girl.  I know, I know, lots of straight girls kiss other girls for a variety of reasons, but I guess I never expected A to be someone like that.

     As this is how the night gets started, my mind decides to go and drop general hints about sexuality, by talking about LGBT business in the church and such.  But each time I mention anything gay related except about our mutual gay friends, she gets quiet and a tiny bit cold.  

    At one point during the night A is talking about flirting and how she’s so bad at it, and why can’t the person she’s attempting to flirt with just ask her out already?  Now if I was a male thing I would not be able to ignore this anvil sized hint, but I’m not, so complications.  If A is interested I’m not going to be the aggressor particularly when whenever I mention gay things she withdraws. 

     She’s a feminist, into strong women (at least intellectually), but can’t help but mention how cute the waiter is every time he passes by.  Once when the waiter passed she grabbed him and said to me, “Honey what do you want?”  Now I know “honey” is used by women in the South even to strangers, but is it a Midwest thing too?  I don’t generally let my friends call me “honey”, “kid”, “etc.”

     She drops me off at my apartment and I’m all confused.  Still am.  Though I had thought with all my LGBT talking I would have scared her away.  But this past Sunday she came to see me play in the orchestra (in my tie) and then suggested we go grab lunch.  Again just me, the invitation wasn’t extended to anyone else.  Afterwards she offered to drive me to work, and I had to change clothes so I invited her into my apartment.  Or well I was going to but my roommate answered the door with no pants on.  She hurriedly closed the door and rushed inside.  I apologized for my roommate and A said “Sometimes no-pants time can be fun”.   

     This woman drives me nuts sometimes.  At this point it’s become a game.  How much of my gay-ness can I reveal before she realizes I am actually gay.  And ultimately is she or isn’t she?

QBP: "Some women can't say the word lesbian... even when their mouth is full of one." -Kate Clinton

Non-lesbian is not a lesbian (and she wants everyone to know )

     Previously I went out on a date with a girl, A, who claims not to be a lesbian.  Since then we’ve hung out a couple times, and went for a few walks.  This week she asked me if I wanted to hang out, and I agreed.  We went to this pub we’ve been to a couple times.  What followed is the most awkward friend date I’ve ever been on. 

     First of all she couldn’t help but say very often, about how she hates men.  (Now I personally like men; I just don’t want to sleep with them.)  She went on to say how various members of her family think she’s a lesbian, including her grandmother.  To add to this, she told me about this women's studies course she took in college.  Even I haven’t taken a women’s studies course!  (Update: When a mutual gay friend of ours asked why Tegan and Sarah were so popular in lesbian circles, non-lesbian, A, was very quick to say "they're lesbians!"...I just can't figure her out.)

     The most awkward moment was when she said if she was a lesbian she would want someone who wasn’t interested in feminine things.  Then she added she guessed that’s why she likes men.  I point out there are women who aren’t interested in feminine things (like myself as she very well knows) and then, a pregnant pause.  I felt bad for some reason and quickly changed the subject.

     To add to the confusion of the night she kept on emphasizing this date she went on with her very male ex and how the kiss they had at the end of the night was just so amazing.  But that going on a date with an ex was a “bad plan”.  Also she implied she’s never had sex, because she’s waiting for marriage.  Well I’ve never had sex either, but I’m waiting for women.

     She befuddles me.  Being gay is confusing sometimes.

QBP: “I’m not gay!” -Naomi  Skins

.....................................................

No, you're not gay...

Non-lesbian date

     Okay.  Last Sunday I met this girl at church.  She was new and easy to talk to.  Her name, A.  Actually I still don't know her last name, so she is "A from Church" in my head...and on my phone.  We talked for a bit and then two of my church friends came over and invited her to lunch with us.  I admired A's bravery at coming to lunch with people she just met that morning.  I was waiting for her to talk about her boyfriend or start yammering about men.  But all she said is that she was single, even embraced her singlehood.  I didn't think she was gay, but at the very least more interesting than most people I meet.  During lunch I did my best to make things easier for her by joking around.  I guess she took to me more than the others.

     I get a text from "A from Church" (I had her number so that she didn't get lost on her way to the restaurant we ate at for lunch), which told me she had a lot of fun at the lunch and would I like to go see a movie with her.  Not once did she mention anyone else coming, just me.  This struck me as unusual, but sure why not?  After the movie, she asked if I wanted to get coffee with her.  I was totally flummoxed at this point.  As we walked to the coffee shop I couldn't help but feel like it was a date.  A movie and then idle chatter over coffee?  Better than some dates I've been on!  This and the eye contact.  She was all about the eye contact and laughing at my jokes.  I'm funny but not that funny.  Plus when I mentioned my college and she name drops a gay friend of mine who also went there and that she's friends with him.  To what purpose I wondered.  To tell me she's okay with the gay thing, or just trying to connect?

     So I'm still trying to figure this all out as we're walking back to her car.  She's chatting about how her parents were pressuring her to marry.  She said at one point they thought she was a lesbian.  A beat, a pause as her statement hung in the air.  But then "I'm not".  I laugh and talk about my last break up with my boyfriend (who was the one who finally helped me realize I was gay).  Can't lie; I was a little disappointed.  But can you blame me for at least thinking she was interested?  I mean she is interested in me, but in a friendship capacity only. 

     Hence non-lesbian date.  She gave me a ride back to my place, and I left her with promises of info on my Sunday church group.  Oh and she gave me her business card.  Last name, woo!  I mean she could still bat for the softballers.  She is the child of a conservative Baptist pastor, so she could be lying to herself.  Or maybe she really does like being single.  Whatever.  Either way I've made a new friend.

QBP: "Curiosity about life in all of its aspects is still the secret of great, creative people." -Leo Burnett

This post's picture is me in Halloween drag.  Two points which can be redeemed later for praise and flattery for guessing what I am.