Celebrity Crushes

     You know you’re gay when you have a file on your computer which is full of pictures of hot women and when the list includes pics of Lucy Lawless, Ellen Page, and Kate Moennig.  Also my list includes Kristen Stewart (K-Stew for short), Kaya Scodelario, Jordana Brewster (particulary from D.E.B.S. and Annapolis), Evangeline Lilly, Katee Sackhoff, Sarah Shahi, Bridget Regan (though her boobs are a bit big for my personal tastes), Holly Marie Combs (so hot without even trying), Keira Knightley (only in men’s or sporty wear), Liv Tyler, Missy Peregrym, and most of the women from Glee.  Faberry and Brittana forevs!!! 

     Upon analysis of my collection which has only been amassed in the course of the last year, it seems like I am attracted to the dark headed beauties mostly who play tough women.  Additionally none of the women in my collection are wearing dresses or skirts in their pictures.  I’m simply not into it.  I think that’s part of the reason it took me a bit of time to figure out I was gay.  It’s tough to find tough, slightly masculine women in high school and on TV where they are often forced to dress up like feminine women.

Who are your celeb crushes?

(Though he isn’t in my collection, I always have had an attraction to Matt Damon.  I don’t think I want to have sex with him, but be his best buddy.  Regardless there is no shame in being a lesbian having male celeb crushes.  I mean even straight women tend to have that “one celeb she’s go gay for”™ .)

Now if we're talking fictional characters there's always Hermione...and on that note...here's a ridiculous Ginny/Hermione fanfic from the creative mind at QC.

Hermione and Ginny vs the Space Wizards

My Journey to Gay

     I was a tomboy growing up.  The only difference between me and some many other children is that I didn’t grow out of that phase.  I abhor wearing dresses, and skirts, the color pink and any combination of those colors.  Even though I enjoyed sports more and than shopping, and didn’t fawn over boys in the same way my friends did I never thought I might be gay.  I had crushes on boys: ergo straight.

     I didn’t have any female gay friends and only a couple male gay friends.  “Gay” didn’t hold a place in my world.  I didn’t even think about it too much, until my boyfriend in 10^th grade broke up with me.  Many others told me he was gay, but the thought of someone dating a girl and being gay did not compute.  When he confirmed these suspicions two years later, it unnerved me a bit. 

     After growing up North, I felt it my duty to be a staunch liberal at my tiny Southern college.  My views helped me become friends with most of the gay individuals on campus, including lesbians and gay men.  I joined the supportive gay group on campus, even becoming an officer for a short while.  Even still I held tightly to my straight-ness, even so much as to call my mother on Coming Out Day freshmen year and come out as straight. 

     Something that turned my world upside down happened the summer after my freshmen year.  My mother, an alcoholic, had been drinking and soon my family was embroiled in a deep discussion.  My mother blamed all her problems on my father.  I had been hearing this all my life, but never given any reason why, though when asked my father agreed.  My mother forced him to finally admit his transgression.  He cheated on my mother.  This was shocking enough as my father is highly principled and loving, but then he went on to repeat the two words I never thought he’d say: “with men”.  I did a double-take.  Surely, my father who had three kids and a wife couldn’t be gay.  Then I realized the atmosphere he grew up in and how perhaps he thought he could deny the truth to himself.  That night still stings in my memory.

     That upcoming year was the beginning of some doubts of my sexuality.  The crush I had all of freshmen year fizzled out soon in my sophomore year when I found out how dumb the guy was.  Combine that with another failed relationship with my best friend, J, which failed because I wasn’t attracted to J physically, and I was getting slightly nervous.  This was only made worse when in the sorority I joined I noticed I really enjoyed the company of a couple women over all others for no reason whatsoever.  I made every attempt to be in their company, but I simply thought I was acting this way because they were the older sisters I never had.

     Junior year was much of the same, though I found myself less intrigued by men.  I still enjoyed looking at the muscular figure of some men, but it didn’t excite me.  I found myself looking more at the women in my life, but I thought I was simply appraising their fitness and muscles in jealousy. 

     Senior year is when it really struck me that I might be attracted to women.  I had been good friends with this woman, M, for about a year and a half.  We hung out and I loved hanging out with her, more so than with many of my other good friends.  I didn’t think anything of it though until our senior years started and I began constantly thinking of her.  I wanted her advice and approval on everything.  I spent hours hanging out with her and when I couldn’t, I got sullen.  I would look for her in the dining hall, knowing the color of her jackets and her other friends’ faces.  Shockingly, I wondered what it might be like to kiss her and wondering what I would feel if I saw her naked body.  These thoughts deeply troubled me.  I was so convinced I was straight, that surely this couldn’t mean anything.

     As I pushed to become better friends with her, she pushed away.  We disagreed on what we each were putting into the friendship.  I felt I was trying and she wasn’t.  Other issues were brought up and soon after a blow out over email, we were no longer friends.  I was heart broken.  I found I couldn’t talk about anyone else.  I felt more pain from this break up than from not getting into medical school.  I chalked it up to the fact that I wanted everyone to like me and that losing a good friend is always hard.  A month after the break up I tried to make things better, but she was stubborn and it was clear we were done.  I thought she couldn’t feel the same way as I; she was engaged to a very nice man.  Even if she did feel anything, I liked her future husband too much to do that to him.  So I moved on.

     After years of doing little adventurous I decided to break out of my shell.  I went to a bonfire party with friends and started talking with this attractive man, G.  Soon we were in his tent and he was reading my future with tarot cards.  I really liked him.  He was funny and strong.  Heck he could even sing.  So even though we didn’t do anything in the tent, I gave him my phone number.  We texted back and forth and it was nice having someone care about me that way.  When we finally went on a date I was extremely nervous.  I wanted to flee, especially when we parted ways and he wouldn’t leave without kissing me goodbye.  He was in my opinion a good kisser, but I found myself vastly uninterested in the kiss.  I wondered to myself when it would be over.  Knowing this and that we were in different stages in our lives I broke things off with him quickly.  This chalked up another failure to be attracted to a guy. 

     I still wasn’t convinced however.  I clung to my last vestiges of straight-ness.  I didn’t want to be gay.  I have wanted to join the military as a doctor since I was 15, and with ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ it was easier for me to abbreviate that to ‘Don’t’.  My best friend, J, and I had been flirting all summer and when he would visit me the tension was palpable.  I sunk into the familiarity and the comfort he offered, and when he visited for Thanksgiving I agreed to give the relationship an honest try.  This worked pretty well.  Until he who want to kiss me, then I simply played along. 

     I had never made out with a boy though, and I thought maybe this was my problem.  So I let J drag me onto the bed and we made out for about three hours.  I tried to get into the kissing in almost desperation, but the only time I felt comfortable was when I closed my eyes.  I knew then this relationship was doomed.  I broke things off with him two weeks later, and because he was so in love with me and probably had been since my freshmen year, we said we couldn’t be friends anymore.  So due to my instance I wasn’t gay, I lost my best friend.

     At least now however I have accepted the fact that I am a lesbian.  I now acknowledge that I have had mostly female celebrity crushes in the past few years and that the thought of having sex with a man disgusts me.  After getting turned on often by episodes of Xena and The L word, I have accepted I am sexually more attracted to females.  Or so it seems.  I have yet to find another woman that I am attracted to.  I certainly haven’t found any men, so for now I wait, to see who I might I fall in love with next.  I do not care what the gender is the person I fall in love with; I just want to be able to be happy and comfortable in a relationship.  But then I guess that’s what we all want, isn’t it?

     Only my closest friends know about my thoughts about my sexuality, and until I can figure it out more that’s how it’s going to be, especially since I still plan on joining the military.  But who knows?  ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ might be repealed by the time I join.  Well one can hope.

 QBP: "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -Dr. Seuss

Soft butch

     Ever since I can remember and photos proving from even before I can remember I have been a tomboy (I shunned the color pink and dresses from the age of three).  Many girls are tomboys, but the difference between so many and myself is the fact that I didn’t outgrow my tomboy phase.  In fact if you looked at my room currently you’d think it belonged to a twelve year old boy.  A punching bag, pull up bar, non-descript couch, bed with blue sheets, video game posters, and plastic furniture make not for the room of a 20-something year old girl.

     Other examples of my not-girlyness include how I treat people and act.  I always hold doors for people, even men.  I jump to help others out particularly if there is heavy lifting involved.  When I helped my current roommate move out of her old apartment, I carried the heavier boxes out and when she called me a “beast” my chest swelled with pride.  I much rather take care of others than be taken care of and my natural tendency towards silence gives me that mysterious quiet thing some males have.  When I sit I hate crossing my leg over another preferring to the male resting an ankle of one leg on the thigh of the other.  I also generally slouch and take up space when I sit. 

     I’d much rather be viewed as masculine than feminine, and not because I see femininity as inferior.  In fact I am envious of those women who wield their femininity with such grace, skill and expertise.  On occasion I have tried to be feminine, but even if I looked the part I never felt it.  I always have felt powerless in dresses, which is why I own only two and zero skirts and one pair of feminine flats.  I own only about four pairs of shoes: running shoes, dress flats, a set of sandals, and a pair of everyday sneakers.

     But all in all as my lovely roommate has pointed out, I dress a lot more feminine than I act.  My typical wardrobe is a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, but as I have come to figure out that liking menswear wasn’t a bad thing, I have added more a few more men’s or more accurately boy’s pieces to my plastic set of drawers.  This goes along with my getting my hair cut short (not being brave enough to get a super short butch cut I got a short cut in a woman’s style) and buying wife beaters and boxers for the first time.  Lucky for me I am friends with a lesbian couple who helped me with my clothing choices.

     I love the way I feel in the apparel.  When I tried a tie on for the first time I felt powerful and slightly asphyxiated (also a bit clunky, my body type requires a skinnier tie).   I’d like to dress more masculine and cut my hair real short, but I admit I’m too scared to do so.  As I dress and look now I am perceived as slightly andro, yet still straight.  Even though subconsciously they have an inkling.  Since I’ve cut my hair men see me as their genderless buddy and the women talk about lesbians and bisexuality a lot more when I’m in their company.  Interesting. 

     When I was in second grade, a friend told me I’d wear a tuxedo to my wedding if I could.  For years I denied that, but as I grow the thought becomes more and more appealing.

     (This doesn’t stop my relatives from buying me gifts to “help me get back on track”.  A Southern Belle Aunt of mine bought me a purse, which I wasn’t excited about until I found twenty bucks inside.  When I joined a sorority this same aunt was so ecstatic she sent me a bunch of sorority apparel, even though it wasn’t her sorority.  And my mother who didn’t care about my tomboy phase until I didn’t grow out of it in college got me expensive makeup knowing I never use makeup, and I about cried over the uselessness of the gift.  Two Christmases later I got a screwdriver from her and was infinitely happier.)

QBP: "It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy."  -Lucille Ball

The quite wonderful Rachel Maddow