Why I Struggle with the Idea of Heaven

     In Christianity there is a certain tenet across most sects that is prevalent: the idea of heaven and hell.  I suppose it makes me a bad or at least unusual Christian, but I don't think I can believe in Heaven or even an afterlife.  Being blessed and cursed with a highly logically mind had led me to this conclusion. 

     My faith only goes as far as believing in God and the basic principles of Christianity.  Hell is not one of those.  Not believing in Hell is easy for me, because I believe that a God of Love of would not subject his people to torment that way.  I also think that every person has some amount of good in them; it may be just a speck, but it's there.  And for a God of Love to send these folk to Hell is cruel.  I mean think of the mentally ill who commit violent crimes not because of their free will, but because of their illness.  Where do they end up?  They can't end up in Hell, not for just being who God made them to be!  So I logiciked that it makes more sense that there isn't a Hell.  Hell is easy to discount.  But Heaven?

     I want to believe there is a Heaven or some sort of afterlife, but right now I can't/don't/won't.  My view of the soul is more of a person's conscience and personality than something that is going to float up into the sky to rest at God's side after I die.  However though I struggle with the idea of Heaven, I don't struggle with my belief in God.  Call it what you will: a universal force, coincidence, God, Allah, Yaweh, Vishnu, Jehovah, or Eloheim.  I believe in some form God exists in the world and in all of us.  I will always doubt God's existence, but my belief in Him will never be uprooted from my mind. 

     Anyways that being said, Religion is a man construct.  Humankind loves stories.  I am more led to believe that that is what Heaven is, a fairy tale told to adults so that they move away from their animalistic impulses and become good men of character.  Because positive reinforcement works.  I also believe Heaven exists because death and the unknown that follow are terrifying prospects.  Better to believe life goes on, albeit in a different manner, one where you get rewarded for making through the tough shit that is life.

     Heaven is a crutch.  There are a whole lot of Christians who have stopped living to live, and instead live to die.  That is insanity in my head.  Then there are those Christians who have moved away from Jesus teachings and towards hate, denouncing others.  They have created a system of have and have nots, but in this system it's Heaven they have and Hell for the rest of us.  Well if there is a Heaven, I'm afraid they are in for a rude awakening when Jesus walks up to them with the Bible, and says, "Did you not read this thing!?!" 

     Okay, I discussed my thoughts on Heaven, and my thoughts are a bit cynical.  I can't leave you guys here.  So I'll tell what I do believe in, History.  History is easy to believe in, just pick up any textbook to read the stories of long since dead men and women.  They may has passed, but they live on in our books, and through the actions they have had on people in their lifetime, for good or bad.  I mean your grandparents raised your parents a certain way and that was reflected on how they raised you.  History is there; it's palpable in a way Heaven is not.

     Since I believe in History, I feel like I have to be the best person I can be.  Because how I act and what I do in my life has an effect on others, who in turn influence others and on and on, in varying degrees of importance.  This is also easy to believe because others have affected me positively and negatively and that affects how I interact with others.  I am a Christian, but really I feel more like a Jesus Follower.  I use Jesus's teachings as a template for the person I would aspire to be.  And I use Church as a support group for these views. 

     My name may never get into the History books, and I may never end up with my name on the cover of a book, but it doesn't matter.  If a single action has changed someone's life in one small way I will live on forever in the collective conscious of this world.  I may change my mind on Heaven some day, but for now, this is my life and afterlife.

QBP: "If nothing we do in this world matters, then the only thing that matters is what we do."  -Joss Whedon

My Lenten Promise

I vow to give up self-hatred and slothfulness.  And in an effort to better my relationship with God, I will pray/converse with God everyday for the forty days of Lent.

God and the Gay

     Christianity as a realm of popularity in the gay community would be about as popular as Tea Bagger Sarah Palin.  I am unabashedly Christian, as I am completely comfortable being gay.  In the past year I have experience more prejudice for being a Christian than for being gay.  From people I consider friends no less.  But I can’t say anything against my friends, because I’m the one who has changed, not them.         

     In college I would laugh along with the jokes that make fun of Christians and God.  Nowadays while I find a lot of jokes about those so-called “Christians” hilarious, I don’t think God or Christian should be used as a punchline.  My friends in the same breath will support my choices and in the next make a tactless joke about Jesus.

     I have always been at odds with people.  Whether it’s because I’m Christian as a lesbian, or I’m a female who likes being seen as masculine.  Or even because I’m a science person, who loves writing creatively.  I abhor persecution in all avenues.  Humor is great, but we cannot stereotype Christians and then complain about being stereotyped ourselves.  Intolerance goes both ways.

      What I write may not be popular, but I will continue to write about God.  Because everyone needs a voice even if they might be gay…even if they might be a Christian.

Repairing what has been broken

     Recently a seminary student who attends my church started up a new ministry.  A ministry specifically for gay people.  The goal of the ministry: to help those who have been wounded by the hate “Christians” have inflicted upon them.  It’s also a place where gay people in the church and in the outside world are welcome to enjoy community.

     The first meeting of the ministry was this past Sunday.  Though the invitation to the meeting was extended to all regardless of sexual orientation, I was the only one there who was not openly gay.  One of my church friends was there and I think he assumed I was there because of my brother being gay.  That’s half the reason why I attended.  I want to help young and older gay people know that God loves them, and that they are loved.  I want them to know that the loudest voices in their lives aren’t the only ones. 

     I wanted to tell my story, my brother’s story.  But I wasn’t ready.  I’m the type who has to think before she speaks.  However my thoughts weren’t cooperating.  My mind was jumble of words and feelings.  So instead I listened to the stories of the others.

     Most of them grew up in conservative churches.  They knew they were gay from a young age, but feared coming out.  For good reason.  Several were socially isolated when they came out, or forced to go to reparative therapy if they wished to continue attending.  All these people who loved and supported them were gone in a single instant. 

     One gay man was planning on becoming a youth minister, but when his home church found out he was barred from ever working with youth again.  Another had his mother go ballistic and said every mean thing you should never say to your son.  Each story more powerful than the last.  Haters make me insane sometimes.  Why break down, when you can build up?      

     When the time came for prayer requests I put forth my baby brother’s name.  I know he doesn’t think much of prayer.  Sometimes I too debate its efficacy, but he should know that even though these people don’t know him like I know him, that they care.  

     The next meeting is next month.  There I will tell my story.  I will come out, and be brave, because my brother is brave every day.  Every day that he has to walk the halls of his high school, he is brave.  I will tell his story, so that they understand the importance of such a group like this.  So that maybe, just maybe we can save young gay lives like my brother's.

QBP: "Dear, America. When you tell Gay Americans that they can’t serve their country openly, or marry the person that they love, you're telling that to kids too. Don’t be fuckin shocked and wonder where all these bullies are coming from that are torching young kids and driving them to kill themselves because they’re different. They learned it from watching you." -Sarah Silverman

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I wore a tie to church Sunday…

     For church on Sunday I played in the orchestra during service.  As our dress code is all black for when we play I thought it was the perfect opportunity to try out my new black Tommy Hilfiger vintage slim (I say not for fashion’s sake, but because it has the best width for a slim upper body) tie.  As I tied my Windsor and adjusted it in the mirror, I started to feel anxious.

     This feeling increased as I walked to church.  In my head I was playing out a scenario in which the orchestra conductor looked over at me and my tie and just said “no” and then asked me to take it off.  From there I would insist that a tie wasn’t hurting anyone and I wouldn’t play without it.  Then things would escalate and I would make a dramatic show of leaving.  Then I would go teach my Bible Study class, cause I made a commitment and I stand by my commitments, and then a minister would come in and beg me to take off the tie.  I would again insist that such a small piece of clothing shouldn’t matter to anyone.  He would say he doesn’t care, but do it for the older people.  And again I would say no, and then never return to church again.

     Yeah.  My mind sorta goes into overdrive sometimes.  Then I thought that the above would probably not happen, but that I would get some awkwardness, faces, and questions about why would I wear a tie from my fellow Bible Study teachers and orchestra members.

     I stood tall, prepared for the worst, and strode into the Sanctuary where the orchestra was prepping and…NO ONE SAID A THING.  Not one person the entire day.  The closest to any recognition of the tie I got was a short double-take by my music stand partner.  Even the older ladies I work with to teach Bible Study showed no inkling of tie-worry. 

     I was almost disappointed!  But then I looked around and saw a friend of mine, a gay male, who was wearing a hot pink polo, jeans, and heavily gelled hair.  Oh and the skinny tall gay seminary student wearing a full length fake (obviously) leopard print stole.  Compared to all of that my tie was a pittance.  God loves me no matter what I wear and apparently so do the parishioners of my church.

     So Sunday I wore a tie to church…and no one cared.  The end. 

QBP: "Church is the only place where someone speaks to me and I do not have to answer back." -Charles de Gaulle

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Retreat: Beatitudes for Today’s World

Religious post!  I know how much you guys love these, but the blog is called "A Lesbian Christian".  God's got to show up sometimes.  Here are a few Beatitudes I came up with.

Blessed are the poor,

                for they are rich in the Kingdom of Heaven.

Blessed are the oppressed,

                for the doors of Heaven open up to them.

Blessed are the downtrodden, the despairing,

                for they will be granted God’s eternal grace.

Blessed are the protectors of the innocent,

                 for they will be under God’s protection.

Blessed are those who do good works,

                for their need will be met by others.

Blessed are those who love their neighbor,

                for only they can understand God’s unconditional love.

QBP: "The Lord is my Shepard and he knows I'm gay." -Rev.Troy Perry

Retreat: The Catholic Way

     Being raised from birth to college as a Lutheran, I am no stranger to a ritual heavy worship service.  People connect to God through all sorts of interesting and odd ways: drugs, snakes, flagellation.  Those are things I know don’t connect me personally to God.  My list also includes ritual.

     Ritual leads to familiarity which leads to acting without thinking.  I cannot connect to God if I am not thinking.  The phrase “going through the motions” should never apply to one’s relationship with God.  (Well not if they want to continue that relationship.)

     Everyone of course has their own way to God.

     I say all this to give you background before I talk about the Catholic services I attended at the monastery.  I’ll get all the lauding out first.  The main cathedral was gorgeous, beautiful and vast with plenty of statues, stained glass windows and amazing, striking paintings.  The pipe organ was the largest I’ve seen in person.  The monks were very monky in their somber black habits.  The acoustics in the cathedral gave the monks’ monophonic chanting a haunting reverberating feel.

     Now the bad, well not bad, but awkward and disconnecting, as an non-Catholic I was struck by how much previous knowledge you needed to feel comfortable at the service: when to kneel, bow, cross yourself, how to pronounce the Latin correctly.

     The service made me feel like an outsider and I feel religion should be welcoming.  So not only did I not get on board with the ritual, I felt the service was like a dumb blonde: very pretty, but not much substance.  (I'm well aware this is harsh, but it's how I see the Catholic church in my mind.  I'm also acutely aware that the Catholic church does wonders for some (though mostly not the gay folk) people.  I am not one of those people.)

     Again this is my opinion as it applies to how I interact with God and perceive the Catholic service.  The pomp and circumstance of various entrances of the monks and priests made it very clear who was holier.   Additionally it struck me that in this huge cathedral, that there is so little seating.  Isn’t the point of religious homes to give places to the worshippers?  The cathedral seemed rather empty, particularly with high vaulted ceilings.  Seems ironic that of all places a monastery be home to such a lavish cathedral and grounds.

     And the rules.  One of my fellow retreat goers got schooled because he was seen eating an apple before mass, and you cannot eat or drink anything an hour before you receive communion.  It’s my feeling that such rules (and the strictness of them) alienate people more than they bring people closer to God.  Does God really find it necessary to adhere to all these rules that aren’t in the Bible and yet be okay with all the various rules in Leviticus that get conveniently forgotten (except that one they can't seem to forget Lev 18:22)?

     All this leads to a question: are all those trappings necessary?  Short answer: no.  Don’t get me wrong, I like a church that’s easy on the eyes.  But I see those great cathedrals in Europe more so as historical pieces, than active places for worship.  I’m the type of person who needs a close and personal relationship with God.  There were so many distractions (the pretty, the ritual, the confusion) that I felt further from God than when I came in.

     But then again I’m the type to more likely to find God in nature, music and love, so that’s me. 

QBP: "The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals.  That doesn't mean God doesn't love heterosexuals.  It's just that they need more supervision." -Lynn Lavner

Everyone has their own way to God.  Here we see Pink's.

For those ALC virgins out there

A short post since I posted twice (and both of them long) yesterday.

     I'm starting to feel more comfortable in my blog writing.  I feel like I'm figuring out what I want to address and what I want to focus on.  And now that I've found my voice I'm trying to spread the word out about this blog.  So if you're new to the blog I am an admittedly young closested lesbian.  The overarching purpose of this blog is to help show that one can be gay and be tight with the big guy in the sky.  But as is the case there are other interesting aspects to lives and I want to talk about those too.  So I complied a list of focuses (foci?).

- Bringing Gay and God together

- The journey to figure out what Butch means to me and how I can abide by that

- Questioning sexuality and what's it like when you don't know your whole life

- My love life (or more likely lack of)

- What it's like being closeted particularly as I embrace my Butch identity

- If things go according to plan, my entrance into the military and as a result DADT

- Perhaps some fiction and other forms of revelry

- And most importantly having fun and trying not to be too serious

Quotation of the Blog Post (QBP): "For a long time I thought I wanted to be a nun.  Then I realized that what I really wanted to be was a lesbian." -Mabel Maney

Retreat: Angry with God

  (This is something I wrote on the retreat.  I feel differently today than I did when I wrote this though not so much about my lack of a love life.)  

     I am angry at God.  Do I have any right to be?  Eh. Probably not.  I mean I know really I’m angry at myself but no…also God. 

     My family has gone through a lot and even to a God loving man such as my father.  It is not right or fair.

     As for me I am a perfectly wonderful person on the outside, but within there are the same insecurities everyone has.  I had hoped God could help, and while he saved my life the self doubt remains like poison.  Doesn’t He know that I have my limits?

     And what about love, romantic love, because friendship love I have.  I’m good at making good friends.  But romance?  God already screwed me over and made me gay, and okay I can deal with that.  But to put gay together with emotionally crippled and afraid of intimacy?  That’s downright cruel.

     I’ve always said I’d choose my career over love, but maybe I was wrong to say that.  Still though I don’t have anyone lining up to date me, or standing still to date me, or even moving slightly backwards to date me.  Be my friend, yes?  But date?  Never.

     I think one day maybe…but one day seems far away indeed when you’re surrounded by couples and married folk.  And when I have yet to have an intimate relationship or even one that’s lasted longer than three months, it's hard sometimes to remain positive.  People tell me I'm still young, but people my age are getting married left and right, and I haven't dated anyone in a year.

     But still maybe one day…

 QBP: "Try to find your deepest issue in every confusion, and abide by that." -D.H. Lawrence