Coming Out to My Church Friends

     Last month I had made a promise that I would at the new gay ministry group that started up, to come out and to tell my brother’s story (which can be read here).  Since then I have come out to one of my church friends, by way of Facebook message since I couldn’t get the words out any other way.  This church friend, D, promised me she would support me at the ministry group meeting.

     When I arrived, immediately I started to feel my heart beat faster.  Last month there were only six people who showed up.  This month there were about twenty.  I’m not so good at doing the emotional thing in general, particularly when there is more than one other person listening.  I sat next to D, and tried to calm my heart down.  I was fine telling strangers, even the church friends of mine who came, but when a few ministers of my church came in, I thought my heart was going to break from my chest.

     I was volunteered to go first, but I could barely think, so I pledged to share later.  I had hoped that after listening to a few shares, my heart would ease up, but it didn’t.  I could see my shirt moving from my heart beating so hard.  I was worried I was going to pass out.  Nothing was helping.  Finally my friend, D, gave her own share and made sure everyone in the room knew she was there “to support them”.  A secret message saying D was there for me.  It was only then after taking a few deep breaths that I volunteered to share.

     I won’t lie.  It was rough.  I couldn’t do anything but stare at my shoes and talk, and even then my words fell on top each other.  I quickly came out in the beginning, and then transitioned equally quickly to the story about my brother.  I started to get choked up when talking about him and the attempted suicide.  I didn’t cry, but it was a near thing.  I stopped before I completely lost it, and then stared at the floor some more. 

     If there was a sense of relief, I don’t think I felt it.  Instead I felt really shaky and uncomfortable, so much so that I still couldn’t look anyone in the eye.  So after the next share was done, I went to the bathroom and just stood and breathed until I was in control and not my emotions.  Though I still felt shaky I was better enough that I could look everyone in the eye and listen to the rest of the shares.

     After the meeting was over, my church friend, B, came over and hugged me tightly.  He was very supportive, as well as my friend D and my minister.  I even received support from strangers.  The leader of the ministry group was especially moved by my share, later telling me I “inspired him”.  But what struck me most was people calling me brave and telling me they were proud of me.  It felt weird.  I’m not brave and what have I’ve done to be proud of: saying words?  Finally coming out?  Probably.

     Though I was blessed by supportive, wonderful friends, I don’t think I’ll be coming out again anytime soon.  I was shaky for a whole hour after and I hate feeling that way.  I just wish my church friends would tell the rest of my church friends, so I don’t have to. 

     But yay for me getting through this and for saying words.  Woo words!  

QBP: "Never apologize for showing feeling.  When you do so, you apologize for the truth." -Benjamin Disraeli

comic source

Repairing what has been broken

     Recently a seminary student who attends my church started up a new ministry.  A ministry specifically for gay people.  The goal of the ministry: to help those who have been wounded by the hate “Christians” have inflicted upon them.  It’s also a place where gay people in the church and in the outside world are welcome to enjoy community.

     The first meeting of the ministry was this past Sunday.  Though the invitation to the meeting was extended to all regardless of sexual orientation, I was the only one there who was not openly gay.  One of my church friends was there and I think he assumed I was there because of my brother being gay.  That’s half the reason why I attended.  I want to help young and older gay people know that God loves them, and that they are loved.  I want them to know that the loudest voices in their lives aren’t the only ones. 

     I wanted to tell my story, my brother’s story.  But I wasn’t ready.  I’m the type who has to think before she speaks.  However my thoughts weren’t cooperating.  My mind was jumble of words and feelings.  So instead I listened to the stories of the others.

     Most of them grew up in conservative churches.  They knew they were gay from a young age, but feared coming out.  For good reason.  Several were socially isolated when they came out, or forced to go to reparative therapy if they wished to continue attending.  All these people who loved and supported them were gone in a single instant. 

     One gay man was planning on becoming a youth minister, but when his home church found out he was barred from ever working with youth again.  Another had his mother go ballistic and said every mean thing you should never say to your son.  Each story more powerful than the last.  Haters make me insane sometimes.  Why break down, when you can build up?      

     When the time came for prayer requests I put forth my baby brother’s name.  I know he doesn’t think much of prayer.  Sometimes I too debate its efficacy, but he should know that even though these people don’t know him like I know him, that they care.  

     The next meeting is next month.  There I will tell my story.  I will come out, and be brave, because my brother is brave every day.  Every day that he has to walk the halls of his high school, he is brave.  I will tell his story, so that they understand the importance of such a group like this.  So that maybe, just maybe we can save young gay lives like my brother's.

QBP: "Dear, America. When you tell Gay Americans that they can’t serve their country openly, or marry the person that they love, you're telling that to kids too. Don’t be fuckin shocked and wonder where all these bullies are coming from that are torching young kids and driving them to kill themselves because they’re different. They learned it from watching you." -Sarah Silverman

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Party time with Non-Lesbian

     I wanted to have a party.  So I decided since I celebrate Chanukah (a confusing family tradition), that I would invite my church friends, lesbian friends, and Non-Lesbian, A.  I wanted to introduce my friends to a neat aspect of Jewish culture and also I wanted to drink.  

     As the night wore on, my friends all drank more and pretty soon A was doing some interesting things…like hitting on me.  Every five minutes she would tell the room “how sexy I was” and every fifteen she’d say how sexy the rest of my friends were (all women).  She hit on me so hard that she made two of my church friends awkward.  Not because she was a woman hitting on a woman, but because she was a “straight” woman hitting so hard on another “straight” woman.  

     Despite all the alcohol in my system, I was very tame.  I’m not actually all that different when I drink, a bit more talkative and courageous.  Having said that, at some point that night, for some reason, I decided I was hot and took off my t-shirt, stripping to my A-shirt.  (I also danced for everyone, so I must have been intoxicated.  I love to dance, but not generally in front of other people.)  Looking back I think I did it because I was enjoying all the attention A was giving me.  It’s been awhile since someone has viewed me as a sexual being (if you don’t count the very drunk men at the bus stop).  

     Everyone at the party was getting frustrated with A and her not-so-subtle advances.  They kept on pointing out she could actually date women if she so choose.  I too accosted her (politely).  I asked if she liked women so much well then she should just become a lesbian.  All she responded with was “I wish”.  “I wish”?  This is the 21^st century; it doesn’t have to be a wish!  It can be an action!  (But that would make it a verb…hmmm…lesbianing?  Lesbainizing?  Lesbonicycling?)

     Unfortunately it was around this time that I felt I was tired and wanted to go to bed.  I left to go crash in my room.  Thankfully everyone was nicely intoxicated that they didn’t mind one of the hosts (my roommate being the other) leaving her own party.  (I found out later that actually I left because I was wearing a sailor’s hat slightly askew and getting slightly pissed that everyone was calling me “cute”.  “Cute” huh?  What an insult!)  

     I’ve only seen A once since the party.  She invited me out to “dinner and a movie”, but I had other plans so I invited her out to drinks with me and our mutual gay friends.  There’s not much to note of that night except that she got me a Christmas gift, a book in which she wrote a nice (platonic) note.  No one else got a gift.  

     Non-Lesbian, A. might be lesbi-curious, but I’m not going to be her experiment.  All the attention makes me uncomfortable anyway.  I’ll be her friend and support her, but I don’t want my first forays into that big gay world be with a straight girl, even if she is “straight”.

QBP: "Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony." -Robert Benchley

Who wouldn't hit on someone with this sexy mug?

Decisions and DADT in December

     The long awaited decision of whether or not I got into medical school has “not yet been made”.  That means all the stress I endured this week was for naught.  It’s infuriating.  I can’t make a decision about my future if I don’t have an answer on med school.  If I get in, wonderful, I’ll live out my dream and become a doctor.  If I don’t get it (or possibly even if I get waitlisted) I’ll give myself a strict time limit for brooding and then get ready to enlist. 

     The good news is that DADT, the stand-alone bill edition, passed the House yesterday.   Now on to the trickier Senate.  Let’s say I’ll be super enthused if it does pass the Senate.  If I end up enlisting and DADT gets repealed, it’s not as if I’m going to broadcast my sexual orientation to the masses.  I’m still a very private person, but at least I won’t have the fear that if someone were to find out, that I’d be kicked out. 

     Perhaps a repeal will actually help grant me the courage to tell my church friends I’m gay.  Cause at this point it’s ridiculous.  It’s gotten to the point where it’s almost a betrayal not to tell them.  I’ll talk about this soon, but I had a party a few weeks ago.  I invited my lesbian friends W and SL, my church friends, and Non-Lesbian, A.  No surprise, drinking brought out a very interesting side to Non-Lesbian. 

     Anyways, my church friends noticed how A was acting towards me, and asked if I had told her I wasn’t a lesbian.  Perfect opportunity right?  Well the words caught in my throat.  All I said was, “I told her about breaking up with my last boyfriend.”  To which one of my friends said, “You could be a lesbian and still have an ex-boyfriend.”  To which I said nothing.  The subject was changed and the topic not revisited. 

     In other news, I’m headed “home” for the holidays.  I haven’t seen my family in about a year.  But everyone, except my mother, knows about my sexual leanings.  It’s easy to do so when your brother comes out as gay and your own father is bi.  My mother is kept in the dark, frankly because we don’t get along and it’s none of her business. 

     So that’s me for now.  Pissed about not having a decision yet about med school; befuddled by Non-lesbian; frustrated by my inability to say two simple words (I’m gay), and anxious about being with my family for the holidays.

QBP: “Army values are taught to soldiers from their earliest days in the Army.  Those values are: Loyalty, duty, mutual respect, selfless service, honor, integrity and personal courage. We teach our soldiers that these are the values we expect them to live up to. I believe that as an institution, our military needs to live up to the values we demand of the service members. Military leaders need to respect all service members. We need to recognize that loyalty and selfless service are exhibited equally, by service members of every color, gender and sexual orientation.” -Three-star Retired Lieutenant General Claudia Kennedy

A coward lives here today

When you think about it, saying the words, "I'm gay" aren't actually physically difficult.

When talking about non-lesbian with a couple of my church friends, they kept on saying, "well you're not gay" and "Haven't you told her that?"  I responded, "I told her about my ex-boyfriend."  One of my friends, correctly responded, "Well you can have an ex-boyfriend and still be a lesbian." 

Argh!  I wanted to say it, but the words just couldn't come out.  I've been called brave and strong, but after last night, I don't think I have a right to those words.

QBP: "The difference between a hero and a coward is one step sideways. " -Gene Hackman

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AH!!! What do you want from me? Non-lesbian date #3

So you all remember non-lesbian, A, right?  Well if you don’t she is a girl I’ve been on a couple of “dates” with now, who talks about lesbians things, but is NOT a lesbian (her words).  Full story is here and here.  

      Some Thursdays we decide to hang out after she has class.  We agreed to hang out this past Thursday.  So I was chilling out in an blue A-shirt and baggy pajama pants watching a silly horror German flick, when I hear the doorbell.  Now I tend to be formal in appearance which means I never wear sweatpants to class and I don’t let new friends see me in pajamas.   I'm explaining this so you know how comfortable I was to begin with when I opened the door and there was A, without having called first.  What could I do except invite her in?  I apologize for my attire and she comments “The black looks good on you”.  Now I think she’s talking about my A-shirt, so I point out my shirt is more blue than black.  She points out she was talking about my hair and not my A-shirt.  I had recently dyed my hair and I had forgotten she hadn’t seen the outcome yet.  Usually I’m not so dim-witted, I swear.  So I laugh off the misunderstanding and then we sit and start chatting.

    Anyways flash forward to the pub we frequent.  She starts talking about the past weekend she had with our mutual gay guy friends.  She tells me she got drunk and then kissed a girl and then kissed a boy…and WAIT WHAT?  I was so stunned that I only half heard a comment about how the girl in question managed to “turn” her.  She said this all very quickly and unceremoniously before she proceeded to mention the guy she kissed.  I was too flabbergasted to bring the topic up again.  Okay I haven’t even kissed a girl and here is non-lesbian, a conservative Baptist preacher kid, telling me she kissed a girl.  I know, I know, lots of straight girls kiss other girls for a variety of reasons, but I guess I never expected A to be someone like that.

     As this is how the night gets started, my mind decides to go and drop general hints about sexuality, by talking about LGBT business in the church and such.  But each time I mention anything gay related except about our mutual gay friends, she gets quiet and a tiny bit cold.  

    At one point during the night A is talking about flirting and how she’s so bad at it, and why can’t the person she’s attempting to flirt with just ask her out already?  Now if I was a male thing I would not be able to ignore this anvil sized hint, but I’m not, so complications.  If A is interested I’m not going to be the aggressor particularly when whenever I mention gay things she withdraws. 

     She’s a feminist, into strong women (at least intellectually), but can’t help but mention how cute the waiter is every time he passes by.  Once when the waiter passed she grabbed him and said to me, “Honey what do you want?”  Now I know “honey” is used by women in the South even to strangers, but is it a Midwest thing too?  I don’t generally let my friends call me “honey”, “kid”, “etc.”

     She drops me off at my apartment and I’m all confused.  Still am.  Though I had thought with all my LGBT talking I would have scared her away.  But this past Sunday she came to see me play in the orchestra (in my tie) and then suggested we go grab lunch.  Again just me, the invitation wasn’t extended to anyone else.  Afterwards she offered to drive me to work, and I had to change clothes so I invited her into my apartment.  Or well I was going to but my roommate answered the door with no pants on.  She hurriedly closed the door and rushed inside.  I apologized for my roommate and A said “Sometimes no-pants time can be fun”.   

     This woman drives me nuts sometimes.  At this point it’s become a game.  How much of my gay-ness can I reveal before she realizes I am actually gay.  And ultimately is she or isn’t she?

QBP: "Some women can't say the word lesbian... even when their mouth is full of one." -Kate Clinton

In a closet, it's dark and quiet in here

     Very few gay folks are open from the time they realize they’re gay.  Thanks to the world we live in we keep our same sex desires a secret, whether it is due to fear of persecution from strangers or loved ones, or because our religion makes us feel guilty or wrong for having these feelings or various other reasons.  

     Luckily we have progressed overall as a people and it’s easier to be open about being gay than it ever has been.  That being said, even in the most gay friendly places coming out is always difficult, just for the sheer fact that being gay is “out of the norm/not of the mainstream”.  Witness the suicides of the past month, some happening even with loving people supporting them.

     I am in the closet except to a handful of close friends and my brothers.  I finally accepted I was gay at the beginning of this year.  I told my friends and they were extremely supportive though my best gay pal said he never thought I was gay, straight, maybe, asexual, even more so, but gay?  Nope.  Everyone has been immensely supportive, but it was weird hanging out with them at first.  They included me in their conversations about cute women and the gay community.  It made me feel weird.  They were more accepting than I was.  At that time in my head I was simultaneously coming to terms with being gay and trying to prove I wasn't.

     I fully acknowledge my big fat gayness now.  I feel comfortable being gay and dressing in a more butch manner around my friends that know.  However I am in the closet to everyone else.  The main reason why is that I’m planning on joining the military (if I get into medical school, and even if I do not).  With DADT still hanging on and a Republican majority soon taking over the House, it’s easier to stay in the closet.  But even this is a bit of an excuse.

     Truth is I’m scared.  

     I’m not an overly open person, particularly not when it comes to the important stuff.  I’m quiet and stoic except with my closest friends.  I wish I could tell my church friends.  My church is very open to gays and lesbians.  And at a progressive church, my church friends make up the most liberal part.  Included in my group is a bisexual (now more into men), a committed gay couple, and staunch gay rights supporters.  Yet even as my appearance gets more alternative, I maintain my straight-ness.  I am coward, letting my fears dictate my actions or lack there-of.  Why?

     The closet is comforting.  Sure it’s lonely, but it keeps me safe from bigots and prejudice.  And from relationships I might actually lose myself in.  I am a control freak.   Love is unrestrained and I am so entirely restrained it’s ridiculous.  Don’t get me wrong I’m laid back, and mostly easy going when it comes to others, but I am restrained.  That surrender of self is terrifying.  I see myself in lesbian characters such as Naomi, Shane, and the Shane clone, Frankie, (from the new BBC series Lip Service) in that I am afraid of love.  However I know this and I want to change.  

QBP: "The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable.  What he wants above everything else is safety."  -Henry Louis Mencken

Non-lesbian is not a lesbian (and she wants everyone to know )

     Previously I went out on a date with a girl, A, who claims not to be a lesbian.  Since then we’ve hung out a couple times, and went for a few walks.  This week she asked me if I wanted to hang out, and I agreed.  We went to this pub we’ve been to a couple times.  What followed is the most awkward friend date I’ve ever been on. 

     First of all she couldn’t help but say very often, about how she hates men.  (Now I personally like men; I just don’t want to sleep with them.)  She went on to say how various members of her family think she’s a lesbian, including her grandmother.  To add to this, she told me about this women's studies course she took in college.  Even I haven’t taken a women’s studies course!  (Update: When a mutual gay friend of ours asked why Tegan and Sarah were so popular in lesbian circles, non-lesbian, A, was very quick to say "they're lesbians!"...I just can't figure her out.)

     The most awkward moment was when she said if she was a lesbian she would want someone who wasn’t interested in feminine things.  Then she added she guessed that’s why she likes men.  I point out there are women who aren’t interested in feminine things (like myself as she very well knows) and then, a pregnant pause.  I felt bad for some reason and quickly changed the subject.

     To add to the confusion of the night she kept on emphasizing this date she went on with her very male ex and how the kiss they had at the end of the night was just so amazing.  But that going on a date with an ex was a “bad plan”.  Also she implied she’s never had sex, because she’s waiting for marriage.  Well I’ve never had sex either, but I’m waiting for women.

     She befuddles me.  Being gay is confusing sometimes.

QBP: “I’m not gay!” -Naomi  Skins

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No, you're not gay...

Non-lesbian date

     Okay.  Last Sunday I met this girl at church.  She was new and easy to talk to.  Her name, A.  Actually I still don't know her last name, so she is "A from Church" in my head...and on my phone.  We talked for a bit and then two of my church friends came over and invited her to lunch with us.  I admired A's bravery at coming to lunch with people she just met that morning.  I was waiting for her to talk about her boyfriend or start yammering about men.  But all she said is that she was single, even embraced her singlehood.  I didn't think she was gay, but at the very least more interesting than most people I meet.  During lunch I did my best to make things easier for her by joking around.  I guess she took to me more than the others.

     I get a text from "A from Church" (I had her number so that she didn't get lost on her way to the restaurant we ate at for lunch), which told me she had a lot of fun at the lunch and would I like to go see a movie with her.  Not once did she mention anyone else coming, just me.  This struck me as unusual, but sure why not?  After the movie, she asked if I wanted to get coffee with her.  I was totally flummoxed at this point.  As we walked to the coffee shop I couldn't help but feel like it was a date.  A movie and then idle chatter over coffee?  Better than some dates I've been on!  This and the eye contact.  She was all about the eye contact and laughing at my jokes.  I'm funny but not that funny.  Plus when I mentioned my college and she name drops a gay friend of mine who also went there and that she's friends with him.  To what purpose I wondered.  To tell me she's okay with the gay thing, or just trying to connect?

     So I'm still trying to figure this all out as we're walking back to her car.  She's chatting about how her parents were pressuring her to marry.  She said at one point they thought she was a lesbian.  A beat, a pause as her statement hung in the air.  But then "I'm not".  I laugh and talk about my last break up with my boyfriend (who was the one who finally helped me realize I was gay).  Can't lie; I was a little disappointed.  But can you blame me for at least thinking she was interested?  I mean she is interested in me, but in a friendship capacity only. 

     Hence non-lesbian date.  She gave me a ride back to my place, and I left her with promises of info on my Sunday church group.  Oh and she gave me her business card.  Last name, woo!  I mean she could still bat for the softballers.  She is the child of a conservative Baptist pastor, so she could be lying to herself.  Or maybe she really does like being single.  Whatever.  Either way I've made a new friend.

QBP: "Curiosity about life in all of its aspects is still the secret of great, creative people." -Leo Burnett

This post's picture is me in Halloween drag.  Two points which can be redeemed later for praise and flattery for guessing what I am.