This Past Month and To Come Out or Not to Come Out?

     A month after taking my practical test I am almost employed as an EMT.  It’s been a frustrating wait.  First I waited for NREMT to approve my practicals.  That took a week.  Then I had to wait until my NREMT card came in the mail which took four days.  Then I had to go fill out paperwork.  Then I had to wait for one state to approve me.  After that I had to make an appointment and drive an hour to get my other state’s license.  Of course once I had all my certifications I had to apply to my company again.  It took a few days for them to call me back for the interview.  Finally I had the FIRST part of the interview this Tuesday.  The second part is this upcoming week and includes a multiple choice test, a fitness test, and of course a drug test.  Maybe finally then I will be hired on and I can start to use the skills I’ve been taught.

     The last thing for now is that I am considering coming out in a big way.  I’ve considered writing a long Facebook note about it and then letting the chips fall where they may.  I don’t want my baby brother, who is gay himself, feel like he has to hide who he is nor should he be ashamed of being gay.  (Though I frankly want him to hide until he graduates from his high school which is in a deep south state.)  But if I don’t want my brother to feel ashamed, then I have to apply that to myself.  I’m sick of pretending I am something I’m not.  Plus I don’t think most people would care…well except for maybe my ex-sorority sisters. 

     The only thing keeping me from posting the note is that I’m scared and that I haven’t been able to figure out how to end my story.  Granted I could just tell people I’m gay in person one by one, but I have this tendency to either gloss over the fact I’m gay or lie about it when confronted.  I think I’d be braver behind a computer than in person.  Anyone close to me in this city knows I’m gay and I’m pretty much living open in life.  It’s those people outside of the city who may be guessing but don’t truly know anything who this note would be for.

      Sometimes feel like a fraud when it comes to being gay.  I haven’t ever kissed a girl.  Certainly I’ve never had sex with them.  But then again I am only attracted to women.  I only want to kiss women.  I just lack the game/confidence to follow through with things.  I have this irrational fear that I will come out and then suddenly I’ll fall in love with a guy.  But it’s laughable.  If I’m not gay then I am more likely to be asexual than straight.  I absolutely know I am not straight.  Why am I so scared of posting this note? 

     Right now I envy my friends who have known they were gay for a long time and besides high school never had to live or lie about being someone different.  Sigh.  I guess we all have our journeys which we must make.  This is mine.

Love her and love this song.

My First MEPS Experience and How Stupid I Was

     I arrived at the recruiter’s around 1400 or 2:00pm.  I filled out a few pieces of paperwork, and then he questioned me again about the hot topic questions.  He did this in the hopes I would not suddenly reveal something at MEPS  (haha yeah…that didn’t work…).  After this I waited for him to finish his own work, and we headed out to the hotel around 1600. 

What to bring to MEPS:

                -ID and Social Security Card

                -Any forms or documents your recruiter told you to bring

                -Change of clothes (x2 if you’re there for two nights)

                -Pajamas or something to sleep in

                -Toiletries

                -Contact lens case, contact solution (or just bring and wear your glasses)

                -A book to beat the boredom

                -Change for a snack or drink from a vending machine

                -Cell phone (though there are specific rules for where you can have a cell phone)

     For the rest of My MEPS Experience, Advice about whether or not to withhold information, and a video of the Duck Walk click "Read More" or read below.

Lesbian Terminology: The Masculine of Center Edition*

Andro- Stands for Androgynous.  They are men or women who choose to embrace both masculine and feminine characteristics and styles, such that they are at the center of the male/female spectrum. 

Tomboy- As a kid, they’re the girls who enjoy playing with the boys, rejecting typical girly tropes.  As a teenager or adult they are the straight or gay women who still love sports, baseball caps and hanging with the guys. 

Boi- Typically a trendy and dapper lesbian in her late teens, early twenties who likes to dress like a teenage guy.  Check out boimeetsplay.com. 

Soft Butch- Also known as a “Chapstick Lesbian”.  Think Ellen.  Soft Butches are lesbians who dress more masculine than tomboys, and act more masculine.  They are the in between, between Andro and Butch. 

 

Butch- Lesbians who embrace their masculinity.  They may act more like men and dress like men.  They also may take the dominant role in relationships.  Though as with most of these terms, the most important factor is that they self-identify as Butch.  

Stone Butch- A Butch who follows the adage, “to give is better than to receive” when it comes to sex.  They’d rather take care of their partner’s needs and are satisfied with that.

Stud- These are butches that have a lot of concern for appearances and "looking good". They sometimes take on the look and mannerisms of a "gangsta" or "thug". Usually younger, masculine behaviors usually similar to that of a teenage or early 20's guy.

AG- Aggressive Girl.  AGs are part of a subculture in cities.  Typically women of color in their twenties, they are tough, gangsta homosexual women.

Genderqueer- Dressing or acting in a manner that is not typically seen as mainstream or what society deems as “traditional” or “normal”.

FTM- Female to Male.  A female that is in the process of transitioning to be a man.  Involves hormones (testosterone), and sexual reassignment surgery. Often, breasts are removed, hysterectomies are performed, and name changes are done. These people live as men.

*Disclaimer* - Other interpretations may apply.

QBP: "I am a rare species, not a stereotype."-Ivan E. Coyote (check the vid below)

Working with your hands *No homo*

  First let me explain the title of this post.  Here in America there was a trend in which rappers would talk/sing/rap about sexual acts of a distinctly homosexual nature.  However, they thought to erase this (I don’t know, perceived homosexual vibe) by adding "No homo". 
     One, it’s incredibly insulting and two, it doesn’t work.  Sorry rappers whatever you said definitely still sounds gay.  Maybe even more so, now that you’ve added a disclaimer.

     This past week I was asked to help my lesbian friends, SL and W (when I asked them what they wanted their pseudonyms to be, they said, "Snow Leopard" and "Wolf"...Apparently I have odd friends).  They were planning on creating a patio in their backyard, or in other words a large concrete slab.
     I helped where ever I could, including moving wheelbarrows of concrete back and forth, from the cement truck to the backyard.  Let me tell you, concrete is heavy.  It was hard work, but I enjoyed it.  As a grad student in the sciences, I do a lot of mental work.  I like being able to use my mind, but I’ve always loved using my hands too (No homo).
     During the pouring of the patio, I encountered something I imagine is frustrating to many butch women: the discrepancy between male and female strength.  Now I'm talking purely physical strength here.  I simply cannot lift as much as a muscled male.  So even though I tried hard, many tasks went to the males.  Nothing quite takes the wind out of your sails more than being unable to help due to an innate biological difference.
     But I helped, and I can at least take comfort in that.

QBP: "money money money get a dollar & a dick
weezy baby that crack mothafucka get a fix
got money out the ass no homo" -Lil' Wayne

Retreat: The Catholic Way

     Being raised from birth to college as a Lutheran, I am no stranger to a ritual heavy worship service.  People connect to God through all sorts of interesting and odd ways: drugs, snakes, flagellation.  Those are things I know don’t connect me personally to God.  My list also includes ritual.

     Ritual leads to familiarity which leads to acting without thinking.  I cannot connect to God if I am not thinking.  The phrase “going through the motions” should never apply to one’s relationship with God.  (Well not if they want to continue that relationship.)

     Everyone of course has their own way to God.

     I say all this to give you background before I talk about the Catholic services I attended at the monastery.  I’ll get all the lauding out first.  The main cathedral was gorgeous, beautiful and vast with plenty of statues, stained glass windows and amazing, striking paintings.  The pipe organ was the largest I’ve seen in person.  The monks were very monky in their somber black habits.  The acoustics in the cathedral gave the monks’ monophonic chanting a haunting reverberating feel.

     Now the bad, well not bad, but awkward and disconnecting, as an non-Catholic I was struck by how much previous knowledge you needed to feel comfortable at the service: when to kneel, bow, cross yourself, how to pronounce the Latin correctly.

     The service made me feel like an outsider and I feel religion should be welcoming.  So not only did I not get on board with the ritual, I felt the service was like a dumb blonde: very pretty, but not much substance.  (I'm well aware this is harsh, but it's how I see the Catholic church in my mind.  I'm also acutely aware that the Catholic church does wonders for some (though mostly not the gay folk) people.  I am not one of those people.)

     Again this is my opinion as it applies to how I interact with God and perceive the Catholic service.  The pomp and circumstance of various entrances of the monks and priests made it very clear who was holier.   Additionally it struck me that in this huge cathedral, that there is so little seating.  Isn’t the point of religious homes to give places to the worshippers?  The cathedral seemed rather empty, particularly with high vaulted ceilings.  Seems ironic that of all places a monastery be home to such a lavish cathedral and grounds.

     And the rules.  One of my fellow retreat goers got schooled because he was seen eating an apple before mass, and you cannot eat or drink anything an hour before you receive communion.  It’s my feeling that such rules (and the strictness of them) alienate people more than they bring people closer to God.  Does God really find it necessary to adhere to all these rules that aren’t in the Bible and yet be okay with all the various rules in Leviticus that get conveniently forgotten (except that one they can't seem to forget Lev 18:22)?

     All this leads to a question: are all those trappings necessary?  Short answer: no.  Don’t get me wrong, I like a church that’s easy on the eyes.  But I see those great cathedrals in Europe more so as historical pieces, than active places for worship.  I’m the type of person who needs a close and personal relationship with God.  There were so many distractions (the pretty, the ritual, the confusion) that I felt further from God than when I came in.

     But then again I’m the type to more likely to find God in nature, music and love, so that’s me. 

QBP: "The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals.  That doesn't mean God doesn't love heterosexuals.  It's just that they need more supervision." -Lynn Lavner

Everyone has their own way to God.  Here we see Pink's.

Going to Hit my Head with a Block of Wood

     While this accurately sums up my week, I am actually making reference to the monks from Monty Python's Holy Grail.  Why?  Because this weekend I am going on a spiritual retreat to a monastery.  I'm looking forward to the time away from all the trappings of modern day life to reflect.  I'm bringing a journal, so hopefully I'll have some reflect-y posts for you all when I get back.

QBP: "I know you're lonely, but you're not alone." -Rachel to Kurt on Glee

"No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." -1 John 4:12 (NIV)