This Past Month and To Come Out or Not to Come Out?

     A month after taking my practical test I am almost employed as an EMT.  It’s been a frustrating wait.  First I waited for NREMT to approve my practicals.  That took a week.  Then I had to wait until my NREMT card came in the mail which took four days.  Then I had to go fill out paperwork.  Then I had to wait for one state to approve me.  After that I had to make an appointment and drive an hour to get my other state’s license.  Of course once I had all my certifications I had to apply to my company again.  It took a few days for them to call me back for the interview.  Finally I had the FIRST part of the interview this Tuesday.  The second part is this upcoming week and includes a multiple choice test, a fitness test, and of course a drug test.  Maybe finally then I will be hired on and I can start to use the skills I’ve been taught.

     The last thing for now is that I am considering coming out in a big way.  I’ve considered writing a long Facebook note about it and then letting the chips fall where they may.  I don’t want my baby brother, who is gay himself, feel like he has to hide who he is nor should he be ashamed of being gay.  (Though I frankly want him to hide until he graduates from his high school which is in a deep south state.)  But if I don’t want my brother to feel ashamed, then I have to apply that to myself.  I’m sick of pretending I am something I’m not.  Plus I don’t think most people would care…well except for maybe my ex-sorority sisters. 

     The only thing keeping me from posting the note is that I’m scared and that I haven’t been able to figure out how to end my story.  Granted I could just tell people I’m gay in person one by one, but I have this tendency to either gloss over the fact I’m gay or lie about it when confronted.  I think I’d be braver behind a computer than in person.  Anyone close to me in this city knows I’m gay and I’m pretty much living open in life.  It’s those people outside of the city who may be guessing but don’t truly know anything who this note would be for.

      Sometimes feel like a fraud when it comes to being gay.  I haven’t ever kissed a girl.  Certainly I’ve never had sex with them.  But then again I am only attracted to women.  I only want to kiss women.  I just lack the game/confidence to follow through with things.  I have this irrational fear that I will come out and then suddenly I’ll fall in love with a guy.  But it’s laughable.  If I’m not gay then I am more likely to be asexual than straight.  I absolutely know I am not straight.  Why am I so scared of posting this note? 

     Right now I envy my friends who have known they were gay for a long time and besides high school never had to live or lie about being someone different.  Sigh.  I guess we all have our journeys which we must make.  This is mine.

Love her and love this song.

How my roommate has made me a better woman, a better butch

     I am by in large untested in romantic long relationships.  I haven’t had a relationship last longer than three months.  Granted they were all with men, and a reason for not staying with them longer was that physical intimacy with them grossed me out.  The closest thing I have had to a lengthy relationship is with my straight best friend and roommate, The GDB (as she would like to be known on here). 

     We’ve been friends since freshmen orientation at college, and joined the same sorority.  Yeah, I was in an honest to god sorority.  To say it was painful at times is an understatement.  Through it all though, I had The GDB: my best friend, sorority sister, and polar opposite. 

     I am driven, serious (though extremely snarky), type A, punctual, mature, masculine, and involved.  My roommate, The GDB, is more of a girly girl, and a free spirit.  She does life in her own time, and laughs things off easily.  An example, on a walk I am focused to getting to my destination.  The GDB stops for every stray cat, petting and chatting with them.  Do you guys remember that show The Odd Couple?  Well I don’t really but I do know it’s about two men who occupy the same apartment and are complete opposites.  My roommate and I make the Odd Couple look like loving identical twins.  That isn’t to say I don’t care for my roommate cause I do, but we are so very different. 
     Where I am the brains, she is the heart.  When new people first meet us, they instantly fall in love with her.  They’re more hesitant with me.  I’m friendly, but I’m also withdrawn and stoic with new people.  I gain them over with snarky brand of humor and then with enough time my unwavering loyalty and kindness.   She laughs with ease.  She’s vastly inappropriate.  The list of our differences goes on and on. 
     And yet, we work together real well.  Typically with people I feel like I have to be polite, so much that it's a real fault.  I’d rather internalize my pain than to inflict it on others.  I feel guilty about confronting people and when I don’t I get passive aggressive and angry.  With The GDB, I feel no worries about confronting her.  I can say straight to her face how I feel about the trash piling up, or keeping me awake with her drunken gaming.  And I don’t have to worry about her getting defensive.  I don’t keep nearly as much inside, and I have learned how to stand up for myself and my feelings.
     As for being a better butch, The GDB has not only encouraged my forays into butch, but has gone clothes shopping with me, taken me to get my haircut short, and learned real quickly to call me “handsome” and not “pretty”.  She lets me take over the masculine roles like the heavy lifting or opening jars.   And despite the fact that I don’t own a car, and she does and has to drive me places, she still doesn’t take away my “man” card.
     If my life were a lesbian romantic comedy, then I’m sure me and my roommate would be shacking up.  My lesbian friends SL and W  joke that we’re like an old married couple, bickering and all.  Truth be told we’re very much like an old married couple, including the part where we don’t have sex.  For many reasons such as my roommate is straight and that I’m not interested in her like that.  You know, little things like that.  :-)

    

QBP: “I don't need to pay a therapist to give me crap. I have a roommate that does it for free."  -Ally McBeal 

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