Amazing news!

I GOT INTO MEDICAL SCHOOL!!!!

It's been a journey to be sure.  This is my third time applying to medical school.  But I was/am determined.  I boosted my MCAT score with a Kaplan course, I had my graduate school courses to boost my overall GPA, and I've worked as an EMT for the past two years.  I had a good feeling about this cycle and I was right!  I got (as of today) five medical school interviews.  I interviewed at four schools, two M.D., two D.O., and got accepted into TWO!  The other two I still have yet to hear from so I may have even more choices!

With my acceptances in hand I started talking to the Army medical recruiter in my area.  Since my undergrad GPA is below their minimum (3.2), they have to file a GPA waiver for me to apply for the Health Professions Scholarship Program.  I have an appointment next week to chat and hand over my transcripts, and MCAT scores so my recruiter can get started.

I'll keep you apprised of the situation as it goes.

Last note.  A lot of medical schools seem to want to keep anything relating to their possbily homosexual students under wraps.  I never said I was gay.  They didn't ask or assume.  Don't Ask, Don't Tell, is alive and well in our professional schools.  However one of the medical schools actually brought the issue up in the interview.  The interviewer was gay and I acknowledged that I was as well.  They went on to tell me how the school is making slow and steady progress in celebrating its diversity (of ALL senses).  It was comforting to know that I can exist as a gay person and not just as someone who is asexual until further investigation.

(Nearly) all schools will say they embrace diversity, but it seems at least in the South and midwest, that few actually stand by those words.

Anyways...I am amazingly excited to finally move forward in making my dream of becoming a doctor come true!


Thank you all for reading and supporting this blog!

I'm back!

So how was everyone's summer?  Mine was semi-productive, after I finally dragged my butt out of bed.  I just finished an accelerated EMT class.  All I have to do to have certification in two states is to take and pass the NREMT exam.  Once that is finished I can go ahead and get myself a real job!


I was planning on reapplying to medical school this year, but I am just so burned out.  So I am postponing until next year.  But for now I am putting the focus on getting a job as an EMT.  Get a job, make money, then worry about the future.


I am very sorry for being away for so long.  I had some personal journeys I had to get through.  I will have more to say on that in the future.  I am going to be taking advantage of the relative anonymity of this blog and air out some dirty laundry.  So for the next bit the blog is going to be focuses on my issues, including family and my inability to say yes to girls who want to date me.  


Until the next post!

My month long absence

Sorry readers about not posting for so long!  I have some catching up to do!  Have to post the new Butch Symposium Round Up!  Also I've got a religious contemplation entry to post after that.

The short of the long, is that I got rejected from medical school for a second time, the military thing fell apart and family issues equals not really want to do anything except brood and sulk for weeks.  I've finally got my head back on relatively straight now though.  

So I'm back.  I'll try and keep the post twice a week schedule, but it may devolve in a single post a week as I try just what in tarnation I am going to do with my life.

Also I just want to thank everyone for reading and commenting on my second Butch Symposium Post.  Now that I'm back I'm going to do my best to comment on the other extremely well written posts that put mine to shame.  

Drastic Life Decision Made

Welp, the decision I've been waiting on has been made...sort of.  The medical school I interviewed at months ago finally viewed my application and put me on hold status.  Which means they can make a decision (to accept, to reject) before March 31st.  After that they have to either reject me or put me on the waitlist.

Here's what I have to say to that: Fuck it.  I'm not going to wait around anymore in the hopes that I'll get accepted.  I'm joining the military.  I plan on visiting a recruitment office next week and I'll go from there.  I'll keep you all updated as I go through the process.  

Decisions and DADT in December

     The long awaited decision of whether or not I got into medical school has “not yet been made”.  That means all the stress I endured this week was for naught.  It’s infuriating.  I can’t make a decision about my future if I don’t have an answer on med school.  If I get in, wonderful, I’ll live out my dream and become a doctor.  If I don’t get it (or possibly even if I get waitlisted) I’ll give myself a strict time limit for brooding and then get ready to enlist. 

     The good news is that DADT, the stand-alone bill edition, passed the House yesterday.   Now on to the trickier Senate.  Let’s say I’ll be super enthused if it does pass the Senate.  If I end up enlisting and DADT gets repealed, it’s not as if I’m going to broadcast my sexual orientation to the masses.  I’m still a very private person, but at least I won’t have the fear that if someone were to find out, that I’d be kicked out. 

     Perhaps a repeal will actually help grant me the courage to tell my church friends I’m gay.  Cause at this point it’s ridiculous.  It’s gotten to the point where it’s almost a betrayal not to tell them.  I’ll talk about this soon, but I had a party a few weeks ago.  I invited my lesbian friends W and SL, my church friends, and Non-Lesbian, A.  No surprise, drinking brought out a very interesting side to Non-Lesbian. 

     Anyways, my church friends noticed how A was acting towards me, and asked if I had told her I wasn’t a lesbian.  Perfect opportunity right?  Well the words caught in my throat.  All I said was, “I told her about breaking up with my last boyfriend.”  To which one of my friends said, “You could be a lesbian and still have an ex-boyfriend.”  To which I said nothing.  The subject was changed and the topic not revisited. 

     In other news, I’m headed “home” for the holidays.  I haven’t seen my family in about a year.  But everyone, except my mother, knows about my sexual leanings.  It’s easy to do so when your brother comes out as gay and your own father is bi.  My mother is kept in the dark, frankly because we don’t get along and it’s none of her business. 

     So that’s me for now.  Pissed about not having a decision yet about med school; befuddled by Non-lesbian; frustrated by my inability to say two simple words (I’m gay), and anxious about being with my family for the holidays.

QBP: “Army values are taught to soldiers from their earliest days in the Army.  Those values are: Loyalty, duty, mutual respect, selfless service, honor, integrity and personal courage. We teach our soldiers that these are the values we expect them to live up to. I believe that as an institution, our military needs to live up to the values we demand of the service members. Military leaders need to respect all service members. We need to recognize that loyalty and selfless service are exhibited equally, by service members of every color, gender and sexual orientation.” -Three-star Retired Lieutenant General Claudia Kennedy

My Journey to Gay

     I was a tomboy growing up.  The only difference between me and some many other children is that I didn’t grow out of that phase.  I abhor wearing dresses, and skirts, the color pink and any combination of those colors.  Even though I enjoyed sports more and than shopping, and didn’t fawn over boys in the same way my friends did I never thought I might be gay.  I had crushes on boys: ergo straight.

     I didn’t have any female gay friends and only a couple male gay friends.  “Gay” didn’t hold a place in my world.  I didn’t even think about it too much, until my boyfriend in 10^th grade broke up with me.  Many others told me he was gay, but the thought of someone dating a girl and being gay did not compute.  When he confirmed these suspicions two years later, it unnerved me a bit. 

     After growing up North, I felt it my duty to be a staunch liberal at my tiny Southern college.  My views helped me become friends with most of the gay individuals on campus, including lesbians and gay men.  I joined the supportive gay group on campus, even becoming an officer for a short while.  Even still I held tightly to my straight-ness, even so much as to call my mother on Coming Out Day freshmen year and come out as straight. 

     Something that turned my world upside down happened the summer after my freshmen year.  My mother, an alcoholic, had been drinking and soon my family was embroiled in a deep discussion.  My mother blamed all her problems on my father.  I had been hearing this all my life, but never given any reason why, though when asked my father agreed.  My mother forced him to finally admit his transgression.  He cheated on my mother.  This was shocking enough as my father is highly principled and loving, but then he went on to repeat the two words I never thought he’d say: “with men”.  I did a double-take.  Surely, my father who had three kids and a wife couldn’t be gay.  Then I realized the atmosphere he grew up in and how perhaps he thought he could deny the truth to himself.  That night still stings in my memory.

     That upcoming year was the beginning of some doubts of my sexuality.  The crush I had all of freshmen year fizzled out soon in my sophomore year when I found out how dumb the guy was.  Combine that with another failed relationship with my best friend, J, which failed because I wasn’t attracted to J physically, and I was getting slightly nervous.  This was only made worse when in the sorority I joined I noticed I really enjoyed the company of a couple women over all others for no reason whatsoever.  I made every attempt to be in their company, but I simply thought I was acting this way because they were the older sisters I never had.

     Junior year was much of the same, though I found myself less intrigued by men.  I still enjoyed looking at the muscular figure of some men, but it didn’t excite me.  I found myself looking more at the women in my life, but I thought I was simply appraising their fitness and muscles in jealousy. 

     Senior year is when it really struck me that I might be attracted to women.  I had been good friends with this woman, M, for about a year and a half.  We hung out and I loved hanging out with her, more so than with many of my other good friends.  I didn’t think anything of it though until our senior years started and I began constantly thinking of her.  I wanted her advice and approval on everything.  I spent hours hanging out with her and when I couldn’t, I got sullen.  I would look for her in the dining hall, knowing the color of her jackets and her other friends’ faces.  Shockingly, I wondered what it might be like to kiss her and wondering what I would feel if I saw her naked body.  These thoughts deeply troubled me.  I was so convinced I was straight, that surely this couldn’t mean anything.

     As I pushed to become better friends with her, she pushed away.  We disagreed on what we each were putting into the friendship.  I felt I was trying and she wasn’t.  Other issues were brought up and soon after a blow out over email, we were no longer friends.  I was heart broken.  I found I couldn’t talk about anyone else.  I felt more pain from this break up than from not getting into medical school.  I chalked it up to the fact that I wanted everyone to like me and that losing a good friend is always hard.  A month after the break up I tried to make things better, but she was stubborn and it was clear we were done.  I thought she couldn’t feel the same way as I; she was engaged to a very nice man.  Even if she did feel anything, I liked her future husband too much to do that to him.  So I moved on.

     After years of doing little adventurous I decided to break out of my shell.  I went to a bonfire party with friends and started talking with this attractive man, G.  Soon we were in his tent and he was reading my future with tarot cards.  I really liked him.  He was funny and strong.  Heck he could even sing.  So even though we didn’t do anything in the tent, I gave him my phone number.  We texted back and forth and it was nice having someone care about me that way.  When we finally went on a date I was extremely nervous.  I wanted to flee, especially when we parted ways and he wouldn’t leave without kissing me goodbye.  He was in my opinion a good kisser, but I found myself vastly uninterested in the kiss.  I wondered to myself when it would be over.  Knowing this and that we were in different stages in our lives I broke things off with him quickly.  This chalked up another failure to be attracted to a guy. 

     I still wasn’t convinced however.  I clung to my last vestiges of straight-ness.  I didn’t want to be gay.  I have wanted to join the military as a doctor since I was 15, and with ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ it was easier for me to abbreviate that to ‘Don’t’.  My best friend, J, and I had been flirting all summer and when he would visit me the tension was palpable.  I sunk into the familiarity and the comfort he offered, and when he visited for Thanksgiving I agreed to give the relationship an honest try.  This worked pretty well.  Until he who want to kiss me, then I simply played along. 

     I had never made out with a boy though, and I thought maybe this was my problem.  So I let J drag me onto the bed and we made out for about three hours.  I tried to get into the kissing in almost desperation, but the only time I felt comfortable was when I closed my eyes.  I knew then this relationship was doomed.  I broke things off with him two weeks later, and because he was so in love with me and probably had been since my freshmen year, we said we couldn’t be friends anymore.  So due to my instance I wasn’t gay, I lost my best friend.

     At least now however I have accepted the fact that I am a lesbian.  I now acknowledge that I have had mostly female celebrity crushes in the past few years and that the thought of having sex with a man disgusts me.  After getting turned on often by episodes of Xena and The L word, I have accepted I am sexually more attracted to females.  Or so it seems.  I have yet to find another woman that I am attracted to.  I certainly haven’t found any men, so for now I wait, to see who I might I fall in love with next.  I do not care what the gender is the person I fall in love with; I just want to be able to be happy and comfortable in a relationship.  But then I guess that’s what we all want, isn’t it?

     Only my closest friends know about my thoughts about my sexuality, and until I can figure it out more that’s how it’s going to be, especially since I still plan on joining the military.  But who knows?  ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ might be repealed by the time I join.  Well one can hope.

 QBP: "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -Dr. Seuss