So I Came Out

I have mentioned previously that I might and then on National Coming Out Day...I did! I came over via Facebook and the response was overwhelmingly positive. My conservative friends were dead silent of course, well except for one. All she did was like my coming out note, but as she is a staunch Republican I will take that as a personal victory.


I thought I would show you all what I said. Eventually I even allow for more transparency on this site. Like an actual picture of me! Maybe. We'll see. ;-)


Here is what I wrote:

"What is bravery? I have been told I was brave before, that I was one of the bravest individuals people have ever met. But I’m not, not really. All I’ve done is put one foot in front of the other in a desperate attempt to move forward and not get stuck. I have stumbled through life like everyone else. It is no big secret that I have not followed my five year plan or even my back up five year plan. Perhaps it is a secret though that I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life. All because I stopped listening to what others wanted for me, expected of me.

Now that I’ve written that nice intro paragraph (and professors said I didn’t write transitions!) let’s get into it. If you, like me, are a Facebook stalker then you have keep tabs on the people you went to school with. You want to know who’s married, who’s in grad school, who’s working where, and who’s having babies. So perhaps if you have stumbled on my profile in the past couple of years, you have noticed a visual change in your old schoolmate.

I have never been really girly, but you certainly can tell a difference between the pictures of me on Homecoming Court (I know! I’m still shocked about it!) and pictures of late. I cut my long hair short, really short, and I have started wearing slightly different apparel. I look well…perhaps a bit gay. Of course that is easily explained, in that I am a lot of gay. It’s probably not a huge shock for the people who knew me better than I knew myself, but maybe for some of you it is a shock.

I’m sure some of you are going, “Ha! I knew it!” Well I guess I would say congratulations. You win? Also I’d ask for how long have you’ve known? Because I didn’t know for the longest time and if someone might have told me I might have figured it out sooner. As it is I didn’t even entertain the thought that I was something other than straight until my senior year of college. Even still I was in such a state of denial that it was easy to rationalize various feelings. As many of you know I am a logic driven person, so it wasn’t too hard to explain away the confusing feelings.

Being gay wasn’t anything I wanted for myself. What I wanted was to go to medical school, marry my best friend, and have his silly little babies. I rather desperately wanted to feel more for my best friend than I did, but time and time again I infuriatingly didn’t. I loved him. I did, but I wasn’t in love with him. There came a point where I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I didn’t want it, but I wasn’t going to be given a choice in the matter it seemed.

After breaking things off with my best friend, now ex-best friend due my seemingly callous treatment of his feelings, I was alone with my thoughts. And let me tell you there were a lot of them. I considered what it would mean, to be gay. To be hated by people who don’t even know me. To be a second class citizen. To live in the constant fear of offending or provoking others, just for attempting to live as the person God made me.

The one thing I never worried about was whether or not God would still love me. It’s one of the reasons why even though I considered going away to ex-gay camp, I never went through with it. God is love, not hate. People can condemn me to hell all they want, but ultimately the decision isn’t theirs. I have always tried to live my life in a Christian manner. I try to be kind and help others. Does it make me less of a Christian if I’m gay?

Besides I may have been gay before I was a Christian, but I was Christian before I had even an inkling that I could be gay. Since God is important to me and since I can’t figure out a way to stop being gay, I have had to learn a way to reconcile the two. It actually has been a lot easier than I thought it would be, but then again I have a progressive thinking church here in Louisville to thank for that.

I have accepted being gay, but I’m still not fully comfortable with it. I will say I am much more comfortable in my skin now that I have changed certain visual aspects, namely my hair and wardrobe. However I was content to stay silent and live in those questioning looks, “Is she or isn’t she?” I saw openly gay folks all around me, but I didn’t think I had a right to be open. I have made a life of hiding and living in the background. It was alright. It is all I know.

But the pretending to be something I’m not got more and more draining. I became an actress who really couldn’t stand the role she played. So I came out little by little to friends. I should have been comforted by their acceptance, but often I became worried. Would they tell others? What would they say? What would happen? I was worried, because I was ashamed of who I am.

It wasn’t until someone very dear to me came out to me in secret, that I was forced to think about others. I didn’t want him to be ashamed of who he is. It is not his problem; it is the world’s. I didn’t want him to hate himself for something he couldn’t even help. Of course then if I thought this way about him, then I had to apply it to myself.

Now don’t expect any big changes from me. I’m still the same quiet, self-effacing, modest and wonderfully witty girl I’ve always been. I’m not going to strut down the sidewalk in a rainbow pin-stripe suit, because that’s just not who I am. I imagine I’ll simply do the same things I always do: hang out with friends, go to church, and save lives whether it is as an EMT or a doctor I guess we’ll see.

Because while I am gay I am so much more than that. As the poet Walt Whitman once wrote, “I am large, I contain multitudes.” I don’t want friends to look at me and go, “oh that’s the gay one”. Or “Whatever happened to her?” followed by “Oh she’s gay now.” I mean really? I understand gossip will happen. It’s inevitable. So gossip, but don’t forget I’m still the intelligent woman who helped you out when you were struggling, the stubborn girl who doesn’t give up, the woman who is always there to listen, heck I’ll even take the girl who sometimes lets her temper gets the best of her.

I don’t want to hide anymore. I want to be who I am and not apologize for it. I know I may lose friends, but I’ve come to a place where I don’t need to spend time on fair-weather friends. I may cause potential opportunities to be stripped from my hands, but it’s better than living a lie. I’ve seen firsthand the pain that living the lie causes. I don’t want that for myself. I want to be honest and open. I want to be brave. I have often wished I was as brave as you think I am. Maybe today I finally am."

QBP: "Bravery is believing in yourself, and that thing nobody can teach you."  -El Cordobes 

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This Past Month and To Come Out or Not to Come Out?

     A month after taking my practical test I am almost employed as an EMT.  It’s been a frustrating wait.  First I waited for NREMT to approve my practicals.  That took a week.  Then I had to wait until my NREMT card came in the mail which took four days.  Then I had to go fill out paperwork.  Then I had to wait for one state to approve me.  After that I had to make an appointment and drive an hour to get my other state’s license.  Of course once I had all my certifications I had to apply to my company again.  It took a few days for them to call me back for the interview.  Finally I had the FIRST part of the interview this Tuesday.  The second part is this upcoming week and includes a multiple choice test, a fitness test, and of course a drug test.  Maybe finally then I will be hired on and I can start to use the skills I’ve been taught.

     The last thing for now is that I am considering coming out in a big way.  I’ve considered writing a long Facebook note about it and then letting the chips fall where they may.  I don’t want my baby brother, who is gay himself, feel like he has to hide who he is nor should he be ashamed of being gay.  (Though I frankly want him to hide until he graduates from his high school which is in a deep south state.)  But if I don’t want my brother to feel ashamed, then I have to apply that to myself.  I’m sick of pretending I am something I’m not.  Plus I don’t think most people would care…well except for maybe my ex-sorority sisters. 

     The only thing keeping me from posting the note is that I’m scared and that I haven’t been able to figure out how to end my story.  Granted I could just tell people I’m gay in person one by one, but I have this tendency to either gloss over the fact I’m gay or lie about it when confronted.  I think I’d be braver behind a computer than in person.  Anyone close to me in this city knows I’m gay and I’m pretty much living open in life.  It’s those people outside of the city who may be guessing but don’t truly know anything who this note would be for.

      Sometimes feel like a fraud when it comes to being gay.  I haven’t ever kissed a girl.  Certainly I’ve never had sex with them.  But then again I am only attracted to women.  I only want to kiss women.  I just lack the game/confidence to follow through with things.  I have this irrational fear that I will come out and then suddenly I’ll fall in love with a guy.  But it’s laughable.  If I’m not gay then I am more likely to be asexual than straight.  I absolutely know I am not straight.  Why am I so scared of posting this note? 

     Right now I envy my friends who have known they were gay for a long time and besides high school never had to live or lie about being someone different.  Sigh.  I guess we all have our journeys which we must make.  This is mine.

Love her and love this song.

A coward lives here today

When you think about it, saying the words, "I'm gay" aren't actually physically difficult.

When talking about non-lesbian with a couple of my church friends, they kept on saying, "well you're not gay" and "Haven't you told her that?"  I responded, "I told her about my ex-boyfriend."  One of my friends, correctly responded, "Well you can have an ex-boyfriend and still be a lesbian." 

Argh!  I wanted to say it, but the words just couldn't come out.  I've been called brave and strong, but after last night, I don't think I have a right to those words.

QBP: "The difference between a hero and a coward is one step sideways. " -Gene Hackman

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In a closet, it's dark and quiet in here

     Very few gay folks are open from the time they realize they’re gay.  Thanks to the world we live in we keep our same sex desires a secret, whether it is due to fear of persecution from strangers or loved ones, or because our religion makes us feel guilty or wrong for having these feelings or various other reasons.  

     Luckily we have progressed overall as a people and it’s easier to be open about being gay than it ever has been.  That being said, even in the most gay friendly places coming out is always difficult, just for the sheer fact that being gay is “out of the norm/not of the mainstream”.  Witness the suicides of the past month, some happening even with loving people supporting them.

     I am in the closet except to a handful of close friends and my brothers.  I finally accepted I was gay at the beginning of this year.  I told my friends and they were extremely supportive though my best gay pal said he never thought I was gay, straight, maybe, asexual, even more so, but gay?  Nope.  Everyone has been immensely supportive, but it was weird hanging out with them at first.  They included me in their conversations about cute women and the gay community.  It made me feel weird.  They were more accepting than I was.  At that time in my head I was simultaneously coming to terms with being gay and trying to prove I wasn't.

     I fully acknowledge my big fat gayness now.  I feel comfortable being gay and dressing in a more butch manner around my friends that know.  However I am in the closet to everyone else.  The main reason why is that I’m planning on joining the military (if I get into medical school, and even if I do not).  With DADT still hanging on and a Republican majority soon taking over the House, it’s easier to stay in the closet.  But even this is a bit of an excuse.

     Truth is I’m scared.  

     I’m not an overly open person, particularly not when it comes to the important stuff.  I’m quiet and stoic except with my closest friends.  I wish I could tell my church friends.  My church is very open to gays and lesbians.  And at a progressive church, my church friends make up the most liberal part.  Included in my group is a bisexual (now more into men), a committed gay couple, and staunch gay rights supporters.  Yet even as my appearance gets more alternative, I maintain my straight-ness.  I am coward, letting my fears dictate my actions or lack there-of.  Why?

     The closet is comforting.  Sure it’s lonely, but it keeps me safe from bigots and prejudice.  And from relationships I might actually lose myself in.  I am a control freak.   Love is unrestrained and I am so entirely restrained it’s ridiculous.  Don’t get me wrong I’m laid back, and mostly easy going when it comes to others, but I am restrained.  That surrender of self is terrifying.  I see myself in lesbian characters such as Naomi, Shane, and the Shane clone, Frankie, (from the new BBC series Lip Service) in that I am afraid of love.  However I know this and I want to change.  

QBP: "The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable.  What he wants above everything else is safety."  -Henry Louis Mencken