Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Retreat: Angry with God

  (This is something I wrote on the retreat.  I feel differently today than I did when I wrote this though not so much about my lack of a love life.)  

     I am angry at God.  Do I have any right to be?  Eh. Probably not.  I mean I know really I’m angry at myself but no…also God. 
     My family has gone through a lot and even to a God loving man such as my father.  It is not right or fair.
     As for me I am a perfectly wonderful person on the outside, but within there are the same insecurities everyone has.  I had hoped God could help, and while he saved my life the self doubt remains like poison.  Doesn’t He know that I have my limits?
     And what about love, romantic love, because friendship love I have.  I’m good at making good friends.  But romance?  God already screwed me over and made me gay, and okay I can deal with that.  But to put gay together with emotionally crippled and afraid of intimacy?  That’s downright cruel.
     I’ve always said I’d choose my career over love, but maybe I was wrong to say that.  Still though I don’t have anyone lining up to date me, or standing still to date me, or even moving slightly backwards to date me.  Be my friend, yes?  But date?  Never.
     I think one day maybe…but one day seems far away indeed when you’re surrounded by couples and married folk.  And when I have yet to have an intimate relationship or even one that’s lasted longer than three months, it's hard sometimes to remain positive.  People tell me I'm still young, but people my age are getting married left and right, and I haven't dated anyone in a year.
     But still maybe one day…

 QBP: "Try to find your deepest issue in every confusion, and abide by that." -D.H. Lawrence

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