Non-lesbian date

     Okay.  Last Sunday I met this girl at church.  She was new and easy to talk to.  Her name, A.  Actually I still don't know her last name, so she is "A from Church" in my head...and on my phone.  We talked for a bit and then two of my church friends came over and invited her to lunch with us.  I admired A's bravery at coming to lunch with people she just met that morning.  I was waiting for her to talk about her boyfriend or start yammering about men.  But all she said is that she was single, even embraced her singlehood.  I didn't think she was gay, but at the very least more interesting than most people I meet.  During lunch I did my best to make things easier for her by joking around.  I guess she took to me more than the others.

     I get a text from "A from Church" (I had her number so that she didn't get lost on her way to the restaurant we ate at for lunch), which told me she had a lot of fun at the lunch and would I like to go see a movie with her.  Not once did she mention anyone else coming, just me.  This struck me as unusual, but sure why not?  After the movie, she asked if I wanted to get coffee with her.  I was totally flummoxed at this point.  As we walked to the coffee shop I couldn't help but feel like it was a date.  A movie and then idle chatter over coffee?  Better than some dates I've been on!  This and the eye contact.  She was all about the eye contact and laughing at my jokes.  I'm funny but not that funny.  Plus when I mentioned my college and she name drops a gay friend of mine who also went there and that she's friends with him.  To what purpose I wondered.  To tell me she's okay with the gay thing, or just trying to connect?

     So I'm still trying to figure this all out as we're walking back to her car.  She's chatting about how her parents were pressuring her to marry.  She said at one point they thought she was a lesbian.  A beat, a pause as her statement hung in the air.  But then "I'm not".  I laugh and talk about my last break up with my boyfriend (who was the one who finally helped me realize I was gay).  Can't lie; I was a little disappointed.  But can you blame me for at least thinking she was interested?  I mean she is interested in me, but in a friendship capacity only. 

     Hence non-lesbian date.  She gave me a ride back to my place, and I left her with promises of info on my Sunday church group.  Oh and she gave me her business card.  Last name, woo!  I mean she could still bat for the softballers.  She is the child of a conservative Baptist pastor, so she could be lying to herself.  Or maybe she really does like being single.  Whatever.  Either way I've made a new friend.

QBP: "Curiosity about life in all of its aspects is still the secret of great, creative people." -Leo Burnett

This post's picture is me in Halloween drag.  Two points which can be redeemed later for praise and flattery for guessing what I am. 

Retreat: Angry with God

  (This is something I wrote on the retreat.  I feel differently today than I did when I wrote this though not so much about my lack of a love life.)  

     I am angry at God.  Do I have any right to be?  Eh. Probably not.  I mean I know really I’m angry at myself but no…also God. 

     My family has gone through a lot and even to a God loving man such as my father.  It is not right or fair.

     As for me I am a perfectly wonderful person on the outside, but within there are the same insecurities everyone has.  I had hoped God could help, and while he saved my life the self doubt remains like poison.  Doesn’t He know that I have my limits?

     And what about love, romantic love, because friendship love I have.  I’m good at making good friends.  But romance?  God already screwed me over and made me gay, and okay I can deal with that.  But to put gay together with emotionally crippled and afraid of intimacy?  That’s downright cruel.

     I’ve always said I’d choose my career over love, but maybe I was wrong to say that.  Still though I don’t have anyone lining up to date me, or standing still to date me, or even moving slightly backwards to date me.  Be my friend, yes?  But date?  Never.

     I think one day maybe…but one day seems far away indeed when you’re surrounded by couples and married folk.  And when I have yet to have an intimate relationship or even one that’s lasted longer than three months, it's hard sometimes to remain positive.  People tell me I'm still young, but people my age are getting married left and right, and I haven't dated anyone in a year.

     But still maybe one day…

 QBP: "Try to find your deepest issue in every confusion, and abide by that." -D.H. Lawrence

Retreat: Goals

Had a great weekend on my retreat.  I also wrote a lot, so look forward to a bunch of retreat themed entries.  We'll start off slow though.  I came up with a few goals for the retreat.  

Goals for the retreat

     On this retreat I want to:

                -find the quiet in a noisy mind/world

                -learn to forgive others and myself

                -heal my relationship with God

                -open myself up to people 

We'll see how well I did.

QBP: We focused on the Beatitudes this past weekend so...Matthew 5:3-12 (NIV). 

"Blessed are the poor in spirit,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn,

for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek,

for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst

for righteousness,

for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful,

for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart,

for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers,

for they will be called sons of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted

because of righteousness,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.  Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."

Going to Hit my Head with a Block of Wood

     While this accurately sums up my week, I am actually making reference to the monks from Monty Python's Holy Grail.  Why?  Because this weekend I am going on a spiritual retreat to a monastery.  I'm looking forward to the time away from all the trappings of modern day life to reflect.  I'm bringing a journal, so hopefully I'll have some reflect-y posts for you all when I get back.

QBP: "I know you're lonely, but you're not alone." -Rachel to Kurt on Glee

"No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." -1 John 4:12 (NIV)

Soft butch

     Ever since I can remember and photos proving from even before I can remember I have been a tomboy (I shunned the color pink and dresses from the age of three).  Many girls are tomboys, but the difference between so many and myself is the fact that I didn’t outgrow my tomboy phase.  In fact if you looked at my room currently you’d think it belonged to a twelve year old boy.  A punching bag, pull up bar, non-descript couch, bed with blue sheets, video game posters, and plastic furniture make not for the room of a 20-something year old girl.

     Other examples of my not-girlyness include how I treat people and act.  I always hold doors for people, even men.  I jump to help others out particularly if there is heavy lifting involved.  When I helped my current roommate move out of her old apartment, I carried the heavier boxes out and when she called me a “beast” my chest swelled with pride.  I much rather take care of others than be taken care of and my natural tendency towards silence gives me that mysterious quiet thing some males have.  When I sit I hate crossing my leg over another preferring to the male resting an ankle of one leg on the thigh of the other.  I also generally slouch and take up space when I sit. 

     I’d much rather be viewed as masculine than feminine, and not because I see femininity as inferior.  In fact I am envious of those women who wield their femininity with such grace, skill and expertise.  On occasion I have tried to be feminine, but even if I looked the part I never felt it.  I always have felt powerless in dresses, which is why I own only two and zero skirts and one pair of feminine flats.  I own only about four pairs of shoes: running shoes, dress flats, a set of sandals, and a pair of everyday sneakers.

     But all in all as my lovely roommate has pointed out, I dress a lot more feminine than I act.  My typical wardrobe is a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, but as I have come to figure out that liking menswear wasn’t a bad thing, I have added more a few more men’s or more accurately boy’s pieces to my plastic set of drawers.  This goes along with my getting my hair cut short (not being brave enough to get a super short butch cut I got a short cut in a woman’s style) and buying wife beaters and boxers for the first time.  Lucky for me I am friends with a lesbian couple who helped me with my clothing choices.

     I love the way I feel in the apparel.  When I tried a tie on for the first time I felt powerful and slightly asphyxiated (also a bit clunky, my body type requires a skinnier tie).   I’d like to dress more masculine and cut my hair real short, but I admit I’m too scared to do so.  As I dress and look now I am perceived as slightly andro, yet still straight.  Even though subconsciously they have an inkling.  Since I’ve cut my hair men see me as their genderless buddy and the women talk about lesbians and bisexuality a lot more when I’m in their company.  Interesting. 

     When I was in second grade, a friend told me I’d wear a tuxedo to my wedding if I could.  For years I denied that, but as I grow the thought becomes more and more appealing.

     (This doesn’t stop my relatives from buying me gifts to “help me get back on track”.  A Southern Belle Aunt of mine bought me a purse, which I wasn’t excited about until I found twenty bucks inside.  When I joined a sorority this same aunt was so ecstatic she sent me a bunch of sorority apparel, even though it wasn’t her sorority.  And my mother who didn’t care about my tomboy phase until I didn’t grow out of it in college got me expensive makeup knowing I never use makeup, and I about cried over the uselessness of the gift.  Two Christmases later I got a screwdriver from her and was infinitely happier.)

QBP: "It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy."  -Lucille Ball

The quite wonderful Rachel Maddow