So...

I lied.  Franky post is pushed back to come out eventually in the future.  As for today's post how about this:

Non-lesbian broke things off with the guy she was dating (for about a month).  Tonight she will be seeing me at a social gathering for the first time in several weeks.  Interesting times may (but will probably not) ensue!

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So my dream of becoming a military doc may be just that.  Nothing is set in stone yet, but it's not looking good.

I'm working on a recap to the first episode of the fifth season of Skins (UK).  But recent events have me not wanting to write, but I'll try to get it out by Friday.

Enlisting Update #2

The military is so aggravating. So finally the chart records I've been waiting for come, years 12 and older. No record of asthma. Should be a good thing right, because I'm not supposed to have asthma then, but no. That's a bad thing.

My recruiter told me that my records are off to the doctor to be approved/disapproved. Which to a logical individual means oh hey no asthma after age 12, you're good! But since there is no mention of it, BECAUSE I WAS 10!, my recruiter thinks they'll send me to get a pulmonary function test...which they won't pay for!

I am beyond livid. Please if anyone has other options for me to do in life, please tell me cause this is stupid. Logic...apparently not a factor in the military.

Coming Out to My Church Friends

     Last month I had made a promise that I would at the new gay ministry group that started up, to come out and to tell my brother’s story (which can be read here).  Since then I have come out to one of my church friends, by way of Facebook message since I couldn’t get the words out any other way.  This church friend, D, promised me she would support me at the ministry group meeting.

     When I arrived, immediately I started to feel my heart beat faster.  Last month there were only six people who showed up.  This month there were about twenty.  I’m not so good at doing the emotional thing in general, particularly when there is more than one other person listening.  I sat next to D, and tried to calm my heart down.  I was fine telling strangers, even the church friends of mine who came, but when a few ministers of my church came in, I thought my heart was going to break from my chest.

     I was volunteered to go first, but I could barely think, so I pledged to share later.  I had hoped that after listening to a few shares, my heart would ease up, but it didn’t.  I could see my shirt moving from my heart beating so hard.  I was worried I was going to pass out.  Nothing was helping.  Finally my friend, D, gave her own share and made sure everyone in the room knew she was there “to support them”.  A secret message saying D was there for me.  It was only then after taking a few deep breaths that I volunteered to share.

     I won’t lie.  It was rough.  I couldn’t do anything but stare at my shoes and talk, and even then my words fell on top each other.  I quickly came out in the beginning, and then transitioned equally quickly to the story about my brother.  I started to get choked up when talking about him and the attempted suicide.  I didn’t cry, but it was a near thing.  I stopped before I completely lost it, and then stared at the floor some more. 

     If there was a sense of relief, I don’t think I felt it.  Instead I felt really shaky and uncomfortable, so much so that I still couldn’t look anyone in the eye.  So after the next share was done, I went to the bathroom and just stood and breathed until I was in control and not my emotions.  Though I still felt shaky I was better enough that I could look everyone in the eye and listen to the rest of the shares.

     After the meeting was over, my church friend, B, came over and hugged me tightly.  He was very supportive, as well as my friend D and my minister.  I even received support from strangers.  The leader of the ministry group was especially moved by my share, later telling me I “inspired him”.  But what struck me most was people calling me brave and telling me they were proud of me.  It felt weird.  I’m not brave and what have I’ve done to be proud of: saying words?  Finally coming out?  Probably.

     Though I was blessed by supportive, wonderful friends, I don’t think I’ll be coming out again anytime soon.  I was shaky for a whole hour after and I hate feeling that way.  I just wish my church friends would tell the rest of my church friends, so I don’t have to. 

     But yay for me getting through this and for saying words.  Woo words!  

QBP: "Never apologize for showing feeling.  When you do so, you apologize for the truth." -Benjamin Disraeli

comic source

God and the Gay

     Christianity as a realm of popularity in the gay community would be about as popular as Tea Bagger Sarah Palin.  I am unabashedly Christian, as I am completely comfortable being gay.  In the past year I have experience more prejudice for being a Christian than for being gay.  From people I consider friends no less.  But I can’t say anything against my friends, because I’m the one who has changed, not them.         

     In college I would laugh along with the jokes that make fun of Christians and God.  Nowadays while I find a lot of jokes about those so-called “Christians” hilarious, I don’t think God or Christian should be used as a punchline.  My friends in the same breath will support my choices and in the next make a tactless joke about Jesus.

     I have always been at odds with people.  Whether it’s because I’m Christian as a lesbian, or I’m a female who likes being seen as masculine.  Or even because I’m a science person, who loves writing creatively.  I abhor persecution in all avenues.  Humor is great, but we cannot stereotype Christians and then complain about being stereotyped ourselves.  Intolerance goes both ways.

      What I write may not be popular, but I will continue to write about God.  Because everyone needs a voice even if they might be gay…even if they might be a Christian.

How my roommate has made me a better woman, a better butch

     I am by in large untested in romantic long relationships.  I haven’t had a relationship last longer than three months.  Granted they were all with men, and a reason for not staying with them longer was that physical intimacy with them grossed me out.  The closest thing I have had to a lengthy relationship is with my straight best friend and roommate, The GDB (as she would like to be known on here). 

     We’ve been friends since freshmen orientation at college, and joined the same sorority.  Yeah, I was in an honest to god sorority.  To say it was painful at times is an understatement.  Through it all though, I had The GDB: my best friend, sorority sister, and polar opposite. 

     I am driven, serious (though extremely snarky), type A, punctual, mature, masculine, and involved.  My roommate, The GDB, is more of a girly girl, and a free spirit.  She does life in her own time, and laughs things off easily.  An example, on a walk I am focused to getting to my destination.  The GDB stops for every stray cat, petting and chatting with them.  Do you guys remember that show The Odd Couple?  Well I don’t really but I do know it’s about two men who occupy the same apartment and are complete opposites.  My roommate and I make the Odd Couple look like loving identical twins.  That isn’t to say I don’t care for my roommate cause I do, but we are so very different. 
     Where I am the brains, she is the heart.  When new people first meet us, they instantly fall in love with her.  They’re more hesitant with me.  I’m friendly, but I’m also withdrawn and stoic with new people.  I gain them over with snarky brand of humor and then with enough time my unwavering loyalty and kindness.   She laughs with ease.  She’s vastly inappropriate.  The list of our differences goes on and on. 
     And yet, we work together real well.  Typically with people I feel like I have to be polite, so much that it's a real fault.  I’d rather internalize my pain than to inflict it on others.  I feel guilty about confronting people and when I don’t I get passive aggressive and angry.  With The GDB, I feel no worries about confronting her.  I can say straight to her face how I feel about the trash piling up, or keeping me awake with her drunken gaming.  And I don’t have to worry about her getting defensive.  I don’t keep nearly as much inside, and I have learned how to stand up for myself and my feelings.
     As for being a better butch, The GDB has not only encouraged my forays into butch, but has gone clothes shopping with me, taken me to get my haircut short, and learned real quickly to call me “handsome” and not “pretty”.  She lets me take over the masculine roles like the heavy lifting or opening jars.   And despite the fact that I don’t own a car, and she does and has to drive me places, she still doesn’t take away my “man” card.
     If my life were a lesbian romantic comedy, then I’m sure me and my roommate would be shacking up.  My lesbian friends SL and W  joke that we’re like an old married couple, bickering and all.  Truth be told we’re very much like an old married couple, including the part where we don’t have sex.  For many reasons such as my roommate is straight and that I’m not interested in her like that.  You know, little things like that.  :-)

    

QBP: “I don't need to pay a therapist to give me crap. I have a roommate that does it for free."  -Ally McBeal 

  comic source

Gay does not mean Stupid, Stupid

     Hey small minded idgit, I don’t think you know actually know what “gay” means.

     Gay means gleeful, jovial, glad, joyous, happy, cheerful, sprightly, blithe, airy, light-hearted, vivacious, frolicsome, sportive, hilarious, merry, good-humored, brilliant and lastly pertaining to a homosexual.  Weird how none of those words come even close to stupid!

   But I mean I understand. Why use stupid when you could use another word? 

     Like anserine, dopey, foolish, goosey, gooselike, jerky, blockheaded, boneheaded, duncical, duncish, fatheaded, loggerheaded, thick, thickheaded, thick-skulled, wooden-headed, cloddish, doltish, dense, dim, dim witted, dull, dumb, obtuse, slow, gaumless, gormless, lumpish, unthinking, nitwitted, senseless, soft-witted, witless, weak, weak-minded, yokel-like, brainless, headless, dazed, deficient, dummy, futile, gullible, half-baked, half-witted, idiotic, ill-advised, imbecilic, inane, indiscreet, insensate, irrelevant, laughable, ludicrous, meaningless, mindless, moronic, naive, nonsensical, out to lunch, pointless, puerile, shortsighted, simple, simpleminded, sluggish, stolid, stupefied, trivial, unintelligent, batty, campy, crazy, daffy, dippy, freaky, gagged up, goofy, illogical, incongruous, irrational, jokey, loony, nutty, off the wall, preposterous, screwy, silly, tomfool, unreasonable, wacky, absurd, cretinous, daft, sophomoric, asinine, balmy, bugged out, cracked, crazed, deranged, dotty, harebrained, mentally incompetent, nuts, odd, Philistine, blundering, boorish, bovine, churlish, gross, indelicate, inelegant, loutish, lowbrow, oafish, raw, rough, rude, uncouth, unrefined, vulgar, slow on the uptake, crass, addled, backward, besotted, boring, feeble-minded, ignorant, indolent, not bright, numskulled, scatterbrained, shallow, tedious, unintellectual, vacuous, wearisome, huff, ditzy, cockamamie, fatuous, ill-considered, imprudent, incautious, injudicious, insane, kooky, lunatic, mad, nerdy, ridiculous, short-sighted, unwise, or zany.

     Consider your vocabulary expanded.  You’re welcome.

P.S. Anyone who chooses to use “gay” as “stupid” is in my opinion a dingbat, moron, airhead, barmey, cabbage, dickish, dipstick, dope, drongo, fat head, plank, plonker, turkey, wanker, yob, git, knob-end, bell-end, numpty, nutter, pillock, toser, tube, twat, blockhead, boob, chump, clodpate, dimwit, dodo, dork, dumdum, dunce, fool, goon, idiot, ignoramus, lamebrain, lunkhead, meathead, nitwit, sap, yo-yo, loser, feeble-minded, imbecile, late, subnormal, underdeveloped, underprivileged and quite possibly inbreed.

QBP: "I think the most overused words in our vocabulary in the South are black and white." -Artur Davis

Dancing to our own beat

     Last week I was invited out to go dancing with Non-lesbian and her college friend who was in town.  Non-lesbian was trying to get me to wear a dress, a cocktail dress.  Yeah, there is no way I was going to do that.  I haven’t dealt with someone trying to get me in a dress in a long time, and I had gotten used to people respecting my choices and not pressuring me.  Non-lesbian reminded me of how I differed from other girls.  Anyways, the best bar in town for dancing is actually a gay bar, so we headed there.

     Her and her friend were dressed in well…dresses and I, on the urging of my roommate, wore a nice button up and dark jeans.  No one at the club besides the straight women was particularly dressed up.  Perhaps they did it because they felt they needed a sign for all those *gasp* lesbians *ungasp* to keep away.  Didn’t matter, no lesbians at this gay bar (well except for me).  No, this is one of those gay bars populated by gay men and straight women, and sometimes their boyfriends.

     Non-lesbian decides to invite the guy she’s has two dates with, who hasn’t kissed her yet (she can't believe it!).  When he arrives he is the most precious, but awkward software engineer ever.  He won’t dance, or loosen up, not even a little.   

     I get bored real easily, so at this point I was about to gnaw me eyes out, anything to get myself to bed and away.  Then I see a girl sitting by the side, and I think she’s watching me.  I figure it’s because I’m actually dancing and not grinding up on someone.  So I make the decision then to dance for her.  I stay dancing in a group with Non-lesbian and her friend, but in my head I decided it’s all for her.

     About five minutes later I see the girl has left, and I’m a bit disappointed, but when I turn around there she is ten feet to my left.  She is dancing alone.  I can’t help but smile.  I’ve got a dancing partner.  We’re nowhere near close to each other.  I continue dancing with my group, but in my head I’m dancing with the strange girl.

     She’s a peculiar little thing.  They way she’s dancing reminds me of Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter.  She’s dancing like she doesn’t have a care in the world.  She doesn’t care what anyone thinks about her.  She is truly free.  I am envious.  The strange girl and I dance on and off for about an hour.

     I could have danced longer, but I had to get up early in the morning.  I looked for the strange girl, but she was nowhere to be found.  My group left the club.  As we were walking outside in the cold, someone comes running over to us and stops in front of me.  It was the strange girl.

     “I had a great time dancing with you tonight.” 

     I was in shock, so I stuttered, “you…you too!” and then with a smile the strange girl was off.  I couldn’t believe it.  I had constructed this fantasy of dancing with her, all in my head, but she was right there with me, ten feet away.  Dancing separately, yet together.

     I should have asked her for her number, her name, anything.  She was pretty, possibly high, but I haven’t had that much fun dancing in months.  Non-lesbian and friends brushed off the encounter, but that night will stay with me for a long time to come.

     In other news: I’m calling it.  Non-lesbian is straight, though I feel like I did bring out some bi feelings in her.  I wish her well with her dorky software engineer.  

QBP: "I see dance being used as communication between body and soul, to express what it too deep to find for words."  -Ruth St. Denis

 

Enlisting Update

Still waiting on medical records to come down.  After we finally get them, my recruiter will send them on to MEPS.  Two or Three days later we'll get final word of whether I can move forward.  If I do then it is looking like next week for the eye consult and hopeful job selection.  Hoping for the best.