So it's been quite a while hasn't it?

Hey guys!

     I just wanted to say that I'm still around, though it's been a long time since I've even looked at this blog.  The blame falls primarily on my EMT job.  Crazy hours, little money, which leads to more crazy hours.  I am applying to med school for the third time.  I take the MCAT (for the third time) next week and once that's done I hope to come back to this.  I won't make any promises, but I have missed writing and the world of blogging.  

So hopefully I'll see you guys sometime next next week!

-E.S.T.

Three months later...

Two things have got in the way of my blogging.  First my job as an EMT, and second I bought an XBox...I'm sorry?  Um...I'll try to write more and XBox less.  But we'll see.  I'm also starting an online MCAT class, so I may or may not write more.  


Hope everyone is doing well!  

So I Came Out

I have mentioned previously that I might and then on National Coming Out Day...I did! I came over via Facebook and the response was overwhelmingly positive. My conservative friends were dead silent of course, well except for one. All she did was like my coming out note, but as she is a staunch Republican I will take that as a personal victory.


I thought I would show you all what I said. Eventually I even allow for more transparency on this site. Like an actual picture of me! Maybe. We'll see. ;-)


Here is what I wrote:

"What is bravery? I have been told I was brave before, that I was one of the bravest individuals people have ever met. But I’m not, not really. All I’ve done is put one foot in front of the other in a desperate attempt to move forward and not get stuck. I have stumbled through life like everyone else. It is no big secret that I have not followed my five year plan or even my back up five year plan. Perhaps it is a secret though that I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life. All because I stopped listening to what others wanted for me, expected of me.

Now that I’ve written that nice intro paragraph (and professors said I didn’t write transitions!) let’s get into it. If you, like me, are a Facebook stalker then you have keep tabs on the people you went to school with. You want to know who’s married, who’s in grad school, who’s working where, and who’s having babies. So perhaps if you have stumbled on my profile in the past couple of years, you have noticed a visual change in your old schoolmate.

I have never been really girly, but you certainly can tell a difference between the pictures of me on Homecoming Court (I know! I’m still shocked about it!) and pictures of late. I cut my long hair short, really short, and I have started wearing slightly different apparel. I look well…perhaps a bit gay. Of course that is easily explained, in that I am a lot of gay. It’s probably not a huge shock for the people who knew me better than I knew myself, but maybe for some of you it is a shock.

I’m sure some of you are going, “Ha! I knew it!” Well I guess I would say congratulations. You win? Also I’d ask for how long have you’ve known? Because I didn’t know for the longest time and if someone might have told me I might have figured it out sooner. As it is I didn’t even entertain the thought that I was something other than straight until my senior year of college. Even still I was in such a state of denial that it was easy to rationalize various feelings. As many of you know I am a logic driven person, so it wasn’t too hard to explain away the confusing feelings.

Being gay wasn’t anything I wanted for myself. What I wanted was to go to medical school, marry my best friend, and have his silly little babies. I rather desperately wanted to feel more for my best friend than I did, but time and time again I infuriatingly didn’t. I loved him. I did, but I wasn’t in love with him. There came a point where I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I didn’t want it, but I wasn’t going to be given a choice in the matter it seemed.

After breaking things off with my best friend, now ex-best friend due my seemingly callous treatment of his feelings, I was alone with my thoughts. And let me tell you there were a lot of them. I considered what it would mean, to be gay. To be hated by people who don’t even know me. To be a second class citizen. To live in the constant fear of offending or provoking others, just for attempting to live as the person God made me.

The one thing I never worried about was whether or not God would still love me. It’s one of the reasons why even though I considered going away to ex-gay camp, I never went through with it. God is love, not hate. People can condemn me to hell all they want, but ultimately the decision isn’t theirs. I have always tried to live my life in a Christian manner. I try to be kind and help others. Does it make me less of a Christian if I’m gay?

Besides I may have been gay before I was a Christian, but I was Christian before I had even an inkling that I could be gay. Since God is important to me and since I can’t figure out a way to stop being gay, I have had to learn a way to reconcile the two. It actually has been a lot easier than I thought it would be, but then again I have a progressive thinking church here in Louisville to thank for that.

I have accepted being gay, but I’m still not fully comfortable with it. I will say I am much more comfortable in my skin now that I have changed certain visual aspects, namely my hair and wardrobe. However I was content to stay silent and live in those questioning looks, “Is she or isn’t she?” I saw openly gay folks all around me, but I didn’t think I had a right to be open. I have made a life of hiding and living in the background. It was alright. It is all I know.

But the pretending to be something I’m not got more and more draining. I became an actress who really couldn’t stand the role she played. So I came out little by little to friends. I should have been comforted by their acceptance, but often I became worried. Would they tell others? What would they say? What would happen? I was worried, because I was ashamed of who I am.

It wasn’t until someone very dear to me came out to me in secret, that I was forced to think about others. I didn’t want him to be ashamed of who he is. It is not his problem; it is the world’s. I didn’t want him to hate himself for something he couldn’t even help. Of course then if I thought this way about him, then I had to apply it to myself.

Now don’t expect any big changes from me. I’m still the same quiet, self-effacing, modest and wonderfully witty girl I’ve always been. I’m not going to strut down the sidewalk in a rainbow pin-stripe suit, because that’s just not who I am. I imagine I’ll simply do the same things I always do: hang out with friends, go to church, and save lives whether it is as an EMT or a doctor I guess we’ll see.

Because while I am gay I am so much more than that. As the poet Walt Whitman once wrote, “I am large, I contain multitudes.” I don’t want friends to look at me and go, “oh that’s the gay one”. Or “Whatever happened to her?” followed by “Oh she’s gay now.” I mean really? I understand gossip will happen. It’s inevitable. So gossip, but don’t forget I’m still the intelligent woman who helped you out when you were struggling, the stubborn girl who doesn’t give up, the woman who is always there to listen, heck I’ll even take the girl who sometimes lets her temper gets the best of her.

I don’t want to hide anymore. I want to be who I am and not apologize for it. I know I may lose friends, but I’ve come to a place where I don’t need to spend time on fair-weather friends. I may cause potential opportunities to be stripped from my hands, but it’s better than living a lie. I’ve seen firsthand the pain that living the lie causes. I don’t want that for myself. I want to be honest and open. I want to be brave. I have often wished I was as brave as you think I am. Maybe today I finally am."

QBP: "Bravery is believing in yourself, and that thing nobody can teach you."  -El Cordobes 

pic source

This Past Month and To Come Out or Not to Come Out?

     A month after taking my practical test I am almost employed as an EMT.  It’s been a frustrating wait.  First I waited for NREMT to approve my practicals.  That took a week.  Then I had to wait until my NREMT card came in the mail which took four days.  Then I had to go fill out paperwork.  Then I had to wait for one state to approve me.  After that I had to make an appointment and drive an hour to get my other state’s license.  Of course once I had all my certifications I had to apply to my company again.  It took a few days for them to call me back for the interview.  Finally I had the FIRST part of the interview this Tuesday.  The second part is this upcoming week and includes a multiple choice test, a fitness test, and of course a drug test.  Maybe finally then I will be hired on and I can start to use the skills I’ve been taught.

     The last thing for now is that I am considering coming out in a big way.  I’ve considered writing a long Facebook note about it and then letting the chips fall where they may.  I don’t want my baby brother, who is gay himself, feel like he has to hide who he is nor should he be ashamed of being gay.  (Though I frankly want him to hide until he graduates from his high school which is in a deep south state.)  But if I don’t want my brother to feel ashamed, then I have to apply that to myself.  I’m sick of pretending I am something I’m not.  Plus I don’t think most people would care…well except for maybe my ex-sorority sisters. 

     The only thing keeping me from posting the note is that I’m scared and that I haven’t been able to figure out how to end my story.  Granted I could just tell people I’m gay in person one by one, but I have this tendency to either gloss over the fact I’m gay or lie about it when confronted.  I think I’d be braver behind a computer than in person.  Anyone close to me in this city knows I’m gay and I’m pretty much living open in life.  It’s those people outside of the city who may be guessing but don’t truly know anything who this note would be for.

      Sometimes feel like a fraud when it comes to being gay.  I haven’t ever kissed a girl.  Certainly I’ve never had sex with them.  But then again I am only attracted to women.  I only want to kiss women.  I just lack the game/confidence to follow through with things.  I have this irrational fear that I will come out and then suddenly I’ll fall in love with a guy.  But it’s laughable.  If I’m not gay then I am more likely to be asexual than straight.  I absolutely know I am not straight.  Why am I so scared of posting this note? 

     Right now I envy my friends who have known they were gay for a long time and besides high school never had to live or lie about being someone different.  Sigh.  I guess we all have our journeys which we must make.  This is mine.

Love her and love this song.

The NREMT Exam

     The key to the NREMT is to take it soon after your EMT course is finished.  That way you won’t forget too much before you take the test.  I took it less than a week after I passed my practical exam.  While studying for practicals I also studied and went through this review book I bought.  I’ve put the picture below so you know which book I was studying from.  The book is filled with 300 questions and explanations.  It had a few odd and wrong answers especially if you take into account the new updated AHA standards for CPR, but otherwise it was a valuable resource.  I also went back to my textbook and review the more difficult sections: OB, head injuries, and environmental injuries (hypothermia, snake bites, deep sea diving injuries, etc.).  Also I reviewed my scales: Glasgow Coma, Apgar, and for good measure Revised Trauma Score.

     Waiting to get authorization to schedule my test was a bit of a pain.  I had to wait a few days after I passed my practicals for my state proctor to clear my class.  Once I was given authorization I got my letter which explained how to register.  I decided to do it online and was pleased with the ease of use.  I could see all the open days and see the times available.  I was initially was going to test for today, but the early weekdays were already booked, so I decided to test for the Friday of that week in the afternoon.

     One and my classmates coordinated so that we could test at the same time and carpool.  We managed to find the site pretty easily.  We each had to provide two forms of ID, a driver’s license and a passport, or social security card (or something equivalent).  Then I had to get my palm scanned so it could take a picture of my palm print.  I thought that was pretty weird.  I asked why they didn’t use fingerprints anymore, and he told me the palm had more points of identification.  Next I had my picture taken by webcam so you know it’s gotta be quality.  I stashed all my stuff, including my watch and cellphone, into a provided for locker. 

     Then I went to just outside the test center and had my palm scanned again, I guess to make sure I hadn’t changed my hands in the last two minutes.  It was actually amusing, because it was having trouble scanning my hand and when it did it turned me into a blonde girl with long hair.  Fortunately the testing proctor and I both noticed the obvious difference.  Finally I got to go into the testing area, where the walls were lined with computers with dividers in between.  I got to sit next to my friend, though I couldn’t see him at all from my seat.  The proctor logged into the computer and finally I got to start the test.

     A few instructions on how to work the computer test and I was off!  I think it gives you two hours to finish everything.  There are two tricks to the NREMT.  The first is that it is an adaptive computer test, so that means if you get a question wrong it will probably ask you a similar question.  There is no set number of questions.  You could finish in 50; you could finish in 130.  Also a notable difference is the fact that you cannot go back to a previous question.  When you hit ‘Next’ that’s the last time you’ll ever see that question again, so be sure you certain about your answer, as much as you can be.

     There are six categories they use and have questions about on the test: Airway & Breathing, Cardiology, Medical, Trauma, OB/Gyn/Peds, and Operations.   Other than knowing the categories there is no telling what questions you’re going to have.  I conferred with my classmate after the test and he had some really different questions than the ones I had.  He took in 125 questions and had a lot of questions about OB, Airway and Breathing, and even some on Orthopedics.  I took it in around 60 and had a lot of questions about Airway and Breathing, and an inordinate amount on Triage and Mass Casualty Incidents and not a single Orthopedic question.

     I was actually angry when I finished the exam.  I was on a roll and then all of a sudden I was cut off and the computer told me I was finished.  I had finished the test in less than a half hour.  It didn’t feel right.  I had been trying to keep track of the question number, but I stopped looking around 30, so I finished anywhere at 50-70 questions.

      After waiting an hour for my friend to finish I finally got to go home and wait…and wait…and wait.  Since I took my test on a Friday afternoon I had to wait until Monday morning to finally see if I passed or not.  You can find whether or not you passed under Application Status on the NREMT.org site.  I ended up passing, and so did my friend.  So it really doesn’t matter how matter questions you take the test in.  You can fail at 60 questions as easily as pass it and the same goes for 130 questions.  Plus sometimes they put in experimental questions which don’t get graded, but help the testers decided to put it on a future exam, like one that my friend had was weird.  “What is the tightest knot?”  Um…I don’t know.  Go ask a boy scout or a firefighter.  Just don’t be flustered by weird questions like that.  More likely than not it’s an experimental question.

      So next for me is to wait until NREMT approves my practicals then I have to go to the EMS State Office in this state to get reciprocity so I can have my dual certification.  After that I can finally apply to work at the place that taught me and go through their hurdles.  But it doesn’t matter, but I am an EMT and it’s worth it for the chance to change and save lives.

QBP: "Next to creating a life, the finest thing a man can do is save one." -Abraham Lincoln

Taking the NREMT Exam Friday

Friday I'll be taking the National test for EMTs, so that's exciting.  That's right.  I am one of those weird people who actually get excited about taking tests.  I think I'll do well.  I consistently got the top score in my EMT class.  Though when you're one of the very few who has a college education it is not too surprising.  Even though I don't think I will do too badly, taking important tests while exciting is always somewhat nerve-wracking.  If I fail then I'll just have to take it again and that means more time before I can start working and more money out of my pocket.  


Guess that means I should study...more.  I will be sure to give an nauseatingly detailed account of my experience taking the NREMT Exam this weekend.  I just know you can't wait!

I'm back!

So how was everyone's summer?  Mine was semi-productive, after I finally dragged my butt out of bed.  I just finished an accelerated EMT class.  All I have to do to have certification in two states is to take and pass the NREMT exam.  Once that is finished I can go ahead and get myself a real job!


I was planning on reapplying to medical school this year, but I am just so burned out.  So I am postponing until next year.  But for now I am putting the focus on getting a job as an EMT.  Get a job, make money, then worry about the future.


I am very sorry for being away for so long.  I had some personal journeys I had to get through.  I will have more to say on that in the future.  I am going to be taking advantage of the relative anonymity of this blog and air out some dirty laundry.  So for the next bit the blog is going to be focuses on my issues, including family and my inability to say yes to girls who want to date me.  


Until the next post!