Blast from the Past: Snippets

February 27, 2009

I don't know how to let go.

But boy has she really pissed me off.  She has made me angry way more than she has helped me out.

Seriously this relationship is unhealthy.  Let go.  Let go.

September 08, 2009

This is torture.  I have two men in my life.  Both of whom would like to be in a relationship with me.  They want me, but I don't want them.


This sucks so hard. 


I know.  I'm lucky to have them.  I just wish I could feel for them.

February 15, 2010

I'm done with men. 

QBP: "I'm going gay. I've decided I'm turning gay. Willow, gay me up. Come on, let's gay." -Xander  Buffy the Vampire Slayer

     

“Anything for you sir?”

     I have arrived.  Earlier this week I went out to a comedy club with my roommate and few friends (sorry, non-lesbian A was not there).  I was dressed in a tight black boy t-shirt and my favorite jacket.  The waitress comes over and asks for my friends’ drink orders and then turns to me.  “Anything for you sir?”  This is the first time anyone has called me sir.  I guessed I must have been slightly freaked, because my roommate, who was the only one who heard this exchange, said my voice went up an octave when I replied back to the waitress.  

     Don’t get me wrong.  I was excited to be called sir.  Two years ago when I cut my hair short because I was basically going on a long camping trip, I got offended when I was mistaken for a man (which was only once and it was a lady of an elderly status).  But now that my choice to look this way is deliberate, it’s nice to know someone notices. 

      It makes me feel good, though a bit wary.  One of the comedians was a lesbian, and when she mentioned it I wanted to shout out, to support her.  But I didn’t.  Some of the friends I was with didn’t know I’m gay.  Because I feel I can dress like a fem and support lesbians (as a generic liberal) or I can dress the part and then stay quiet in instances like these.   To dress both how I do and be vocal about LGBT things would just confirm everyone’s suspicions (in the logic that exists in my head). 

     Still I couldn’t help but love one comedian’s take on DADT.  One soldier friend of his confessed he doesn’t want gays in the military because they might look at his butt in the showers.  The comic made the point, if you can’t defend your butt, maybe you shouldn’t be defending the country!  But he said it all funny like…like you know comedians do.  All in all, a good night.

QBP: "Him, who incessantly laughs in the street, you may commonly hear grumbling in his closet. " -Johann Kaspar Lavater

AH!!! What do you want from me? Non-lesbian date #3

So you all remember non-lesbian, A, right?  Well if you don’t she is a girl I’ve been on a couple of “dates” with now, who talks about lesbians things, but is NOT a lesbian (her words).  Full story is here and here.  

      Some Thursdays we decide to hang out after she has class.  We agreed to hang out this past Thursday.  So I was chilling out in an blue A-shirt and baggy pajama pants watching a silly horror German flick, when I hear the doorbell.  Now I tend to be formal in appearance which means I never wear sweatpants to class and I don’t let new friends see me in pajamas.   I'm explaining this so you know how comfortable I was to begin with when I opened the door and there was A, without having called first.  What could I do except invite her in?  I apologize for my attire and she comments “The black looks good on you”.  Now I think she’s talking about my A-shirt, so I point out my shirt is more blue than black.  She points out she was talking about my hair and not my A-shirt.  I had recently dyed my hair and I had forgotten she hadn’t seen the outcome yet.  Usually I’m not so dim-witted, I swear.  So I laugh off the misunderstanding and then we sit and start chatting.

    Anyways flash forward to the pub we frequent.  She starts talking about the past weekend she had with our mutual gay guy friends.  She tells me she got drunk and then kissed a girl and then kissed a boy…and WAIT WHAT?  I was so stunned that I only half heard a comment about how the girl in question managed to “turn” her.  She said this all very quickly and unceremoniously before she proceeded to mention the guy she kissed.  I was too flabbergasted to bring the topic up again.  Okay I haven’t even kissed a girl and here is non-lesbian, a conservative Baptist preacher kid, telling me she kissed a girl.  I know, I know, lots of straight girls kiss other girls for a variety of reasons, but I guess I never expected A to be someone like that.

     As this is how the night gets started, my mind decides to go and drop general hints about sexuality, by talking about LGBT business in the church and such.  But each time I mention anything gay related except about our mutual gay friends, she gets quiet and a tiny bit cold.  

    At one point during the night A is talking about flirting and how she’s so bad at it, and why can’t the person she’s attempting to flirt with just ask her out already?  Now if I was a male thing I would not be able to ignore this anvil sized hint, but I’m not, so complications.  If A is interested I’m not going to be the aggressor particularly when whenever I mention gay things she withdraws. 

     She’s a feminist, into strong women (at least intellectually), but can’t help but mention how cute the waiter is every time he passes by.  Once when the waiter passed she grabbed him and said to me, “Honey what do you want?”  Now I know “honey” is used by women in the South even to strangers, but is it a Midwest thing too?  I don’t generally let my friends call me “honey”, “kid”, “etc.”

     She drops me off at my apartment and I’m all confused.  Still am.  Though I had thought with all my LGBT talking I would have scared her away.  But this past Sunday she came to see me play in the orchestra (in my tie) and then suggested we go grab lunch.  Again just me, the invitation wasn’t extended to anyone else.  Afterwards she offered to drive me to work, and I had to change clothes so I invited her into my apartment.  Or well I was going to but my roommate answered the door with no pants on.  She hurriedly closed the door and rushed inside.  I apologized for my roommate and A said “Sometimes no-pants time can be fun”.   

     This woman drives me nuts sometimes.  At this point it’s become a game.  How much of my gay-ness can I reveal before she realizes I am actually gay.  And ultimately is she or isn’t she?

QBP: "Some women can't say the word lesbian... even when their mouth is full of one." -Kate Clinton

I wore a tie to church Sunday…

     For church on Sunday I played in the orchestra during service.  As our dress code is all black for when we play I thought it was the perfect opportunity to try out my new black Tommy Hilfiger vintage slim (I say not for fashion’s sake, but because it has the best width for a slim upper body) tie.  As I tied my Windsor and adjusted it in the mirror, I started to feel anxious.

     This feeling increased as I walked to church.  In my head I was playing out a scenario in which the orchestra conductor looked over at me and my tie and just said “no” and then asked me to take it off.  From there I would insist that a tie wasn’t hurting anyone and I wouldn’t play without it.  Then things would escalate and I would make a dramatic show of leaving.  Then I would go teach my Bible Study class, cause I made a commitment and I stand by my commitments, and then a minister would come in and beg me to take off the tie.  I would again insist that such a small piece of clothing shouldn’t matter to anyone.  He would say he doesn’t care, but do it for the older people.  And again I would say no, and then never return to church again.

     Yeah.  My mind sorta goes into overdrive sometimes.  Then I thought that the above would probably not happen, but that I would get some awkwardness, faces, and questions about why would I wear a tie from my fellow Bible Study teachers and orchestra members.

     I stood tall, prepared for the worst, and strode into the Sanctuary where the orchestra was prepping and…NO ONE SAID A THING.  Not one person the entire day.  The closest to any recognition of the tie I got was a short double-take by my music stand partner.  Even the older ladies I work with to teach Bible Study showed no inkling of tie-worry. 

     I was almost disappointed!  But then I looked around and saw a friend of mine, a gay male, who was wearing a hot pink polo, jeans, and heavily gelled hair.  Oh and the skinny tall gay seminary student wearing a full length fake (obviously) leopard print stole.  Compared to all of that my tie was a pittance.  God loves me no matter what I wear and apparently so do the parishioners of my church.

     So Sunday I wore a tie to church…and no one cared.  The end. 

QBP: "Church is the only place where someone speaks to me and I do not have to answer back." -Charles de Gaulle

 pic source

Butch Symposium: What is Butch?

Over at Sugarbutch, Mr. Sexsmith is starting up a symposium of butch bloggers/writers and addressing a question concerning butch and butch identity each month.  As this is the first one, we have the most fundamental question.  What exactly is butch?  I collected my own thoughts below.

     Though it might be how others identify butch individuals, for me butch has very little to do with clothes and hair.  Butch is an attitude.  I think above all Butch means embracing your protective instincts.  Holding a door open for a woman…or a man.  Standing up for others who can’t stand up for themselves.  Butch means not being afraid to get dirty especially when others are involved.  

      It means always hauling the heavy stuff your roommate can’t and hiding the fact that the box is slipping from your fingers and your arms are screaming out in pain.  It’s that swelling in your chest when a female friend compliments your strength or calls you brave, sexy, handsome.  And it’s that awkward feeling when people call you pretty, beautiful, or *gasp* feminine!  It’s the feeling when someone is hassling your friend that makes you want to haul out and slug them despite any size differences or logic.  It’s knowing when to listen and knowing when you back up your girl/friends.  It’s that feeling of confidence when you wear a dapper suit or perfectly fit t-shirt.  It’s calm under pressure (almost always at least).  It’s presence and swagger.  A woman can be dressed up as the completely stereotypical feminine icon, but if she has the appropriate swagger she can be Butch. 

     Coming from a more analytical perspective it’s the masculine part of the spectrum for all genders.  A lesbian friend of mine, SL, called butch “performed masculinity”.  I disagree wholeheartedly.  Clothing is a choice. Hair is a choice.  Butch isn’t.  Embellishment might be but otherwise I believe it’s as inherent as sexual orientation.   

     I take great pride in being Butch-identified.  Butch men and women are tough, strong, dependable, giving, and chivalrous.  With such wonderful adjectives like that who wouldn't want to be or know a Butch? 

First Butch Symposium by Sugarbutch 

Blast from the Past: A flash of blue

  December 03, 2008

     I tried cutting you out and it was hard.  But you made me love you, because I'm obsessed.  And you treat me so very differently than I treat you.  You're selfish.  I put my heart on my sleeve with you, so exposed and you ignore and bash it back in.  I don't know why I'm obsessed with you.  Your eyes maybe.  I know the shape of your body, the color of your hair, your jacket.  I know how you wear your hair.  Is this love?  I beg you to talk to me.  When I am hurt I call out for you and you turn me aside.  I check your Facebook profile many times a day.  I give you my best and my worst.  I look for you.  I know your friends and when they're around I look for you.  If I know the color of your shirt I look for it in the dining hall when we're sitting at different tables.  I do it covertly.  And I wish I was sitting with you at your table.  But this is wrong.  I need to fall out of love with you.  I know I have a strong will.  I just have to use it.  

      I will not love you anymore.  I am stronger than my mind.  I have proven it before.  I'll prove it yet again.

QBP: "As soon go kindle fire with snow, as seek to quench the fire of love with words." -William Shakespeare

Formal wear

     I had to buy a suit a few weeks ago.  Wanting to be hetero-normative for the interview I needed the suit for, I went to a female oriented store.  One of my Aunts offered her “advice” without my asking for it (as family does) and told me to make sure I didn’t get a blouse that was “macho”.  Okay…someone please tell me what a macho blouse looks like, because my thought is that blouses are distinctly feminine.  Even the word sounds feminine.  Well of course I bought a pantsuit; I haven't worn a skirt since junior high. The suit looks great and feel great, and that’s good enough for me.  Combine that with a button down my roommate lent me and I looked pretty fantastic. 

     However after acting more feminine than I am at my interview I wanted to try something out.  I tried on a different button down, my suit jacket, and a new skinny tie I had purchased.  After trying out first a half Windsor, and then a full Windsor I found my favored tie knot.  The combination made me look real good.  But more importantly I felt like a million bucks.  Whenever I’ve worn a dress I’ve wondered how I much longer I had to wear it.  My friends would laugh at how I looked like I was being tortured.  It was a form of torture, ranking up there with death by spider bites (Buffy reference anyone?).  As I stood in front of the mirror, I realized I didn’t want to take it off, though it looked a little weird as I was wearing my pajama pants.

     It’s strange, perhaps even queer, the powers inherent in the tie.  It’s a strip of cloth that can transform a person more so than any other accessory.  Mystical powers.

     I took a few pictures and was struck by my appearance.  I compared a photo with one of me a little less than a year ago.  Long hair, glasses, along with my tomboyish clothes.  I looked disconnected particularly when compared to the formal wear pic.  It truly is amazing how much clothes and hair can make the (wo)man.

QBP: "Be sure what you want and be sure about yourself. Fashion is not just beauty, it's about good attitude. You have to believe in yourself and be strong." -Adriana Lima

The suit I wore to the interview

The other outfit