Celebrity Crushes

     You know you’re gay when you have a file on your computer which is full of pictures of hot women and when the list includes pics of Lucy Lawless, Ellen Page, and Kate Moennig.  Also my list includes Kristen Stewart (K-Stew for short), Kaya Scodelario, Jordana Brewster (particulary from D.E.B.S. and Annapolis), Evangeline Lilly, Katee Sackhoff, Sarah Shahi, Bridget Regan (though her boobs are a bit big for my personal tastes), Holly Marie Combs (so hot without even trying), Keira Knightley (only in men’s or sporty wear), Liv Tyler, Missy Peregrym, and most of the women from Glee.  Faberry and Brittana forevs!!! 

     Upon analysis of my collection which has only been amassed in the course of the last year, it seems like I am attracted to the dark headed beauties mostly who play tough women.  Additionally none of the women in my collection are wearing dresses or skirts in their pictures.  I’m simply not into it.  I think that’s part of the reason it took me a bit of time to figure out I was gay.  It’s tough to find tough, slightly masculine women in high school and on TV where they are often forced to dress up like feminine women.

Who are your celeb crushes?

(Though he isn’t in my collection, I always have had an attraction to Matt Damon.  I don’t think I want to have sex with him, but be his best buddy.  Regardless there is no shame in being a lesbian having male celeb crushes.  I mean even straight women tend to have that “one celeb she’s go gay for”™ .)

Now if we're talking fictional characters there's always Hermione...and on that note...here's a ridiculous Ginny/Hermione fanfic from the creative mind at QC.

Hermione and Ginny vs the Space Wizards

Retreat: Beatitudes for Today’s World

Religious post!  I know how much you guys love these, but the blog is called "A Lesbian Christian".  God's got to show up sometimes.  Here are a few Beatitudes I came up with.

Blessed are the poor,

                for they are rich in the Kingdom of Heaven.

Blessed are the oppressed,

                for the doors of Heaven open up to them.

Blessed are the downtrodden, the despairing,

                for they will be granted God’s eternal grace.

Blessed are the protectors of the innocent,

                 for they will be under God’s protection.

Blessed are those who do good works,

                for their need will be met by others.

Blessed are those who love their neighbor,

                for only they can understand God’s unconditional love.

QBP: "The Lord is my Shepard and he knows I'm gay." -Rev.Troy Perry

In a closet, it's dark and quiet in here

     Very few gay folks are open from the time they realize they’re gay.  Thanks to the world we live in we keep our same sex desires a secret, whether it is due to fear of persecution from strangers or loved ones, or because our religion makes us feel guilty or wrong for having these feelings or various other reasons.  

     Luckily we have progressed overall as a people and it’s easier to be open about being gay than it ever has been.  That being said, even in the most gay friendly places coming out is always difficult, just for the sheer fact that being gay is “out of the norm/not of the mainstream”.  Witness the suicides of the past month, some happening even with loving people supporting them.

     I am in the closet except to a handful of close friends and my brothers.  I finally accepted I was gay at the beginning of this year.  I told my friends and they were extremely supportive though my best gay pal said he never thought I was gay, straight, maybe, asexual, even more so, but gay?  Nope.  Everyone has been immensely supportive, but it was weird hanging out with them at first.  They included me in their conversations about cute women and the gay community.  It made me feel weird.  They were more accepting than I was.  At that time in my head I was simultaneously coming to terms with being gay and trying to prove I wasn't.

     I fully acknowledge my big fat gayness now.  I feel comfortable being gay and dressing in a more butch manner around my friends that know.  However I am in the closet to everyone else.  The main reason why is that I’m planning on joining the military (if I get into medical school, and even if I do not).  With DADT still hanging on and a Republican majority soon taking over the House, it’s easier to stay in the closet.  But even this is a bit of an excuse.

     Truth is I’m scared.  

     I’m not an overly open person, particularly not when it comes to the important stuff.  I’m quiet and stoic except with my closest friends.  I wish I could tell my church friends.  My church is very open to gays and lesbians.  And at a progressive church, my church friends make up the most liberal part.  Included in my group is a bisexual (now more into men), a committed gay couple, and staunch gay rights supporters.  Yet even as my appearance gets more alternative, I maintain my straight-ness.  I am coward, letting my fears dictate my actions or lack there-of.  Why?

     The closet is comforting.  Sure it’s lonely, but it keeps me safe from bigots and prejudice.  And from relationships I might actually lose myself in.  I am a control freak.   Love is unrestrained and I am so entirely restrained it’s ridiculous.  Don’t get me wrong I’m laid back, and mostly easy going when it comes to others, but I am restrained.  That surrender of self is terrifying.  I see myself in lesbian characters such as Naomi, Shane, and the Shane clone, Frankie, (from the new BBC series Lip Service) in that I am afraid of love.  However I know this and I want to change.  

QBP: "The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable.  What he wants above everything else is safety."  -Henry Louis Mencken

Blast from the Past: Kissing you

Today is Friday.  Woo!  On Fridays I'm going to have a series, Blast from the Past, mainly so I don't have to write anything new.  However, it could be interesting tracing someone's first inklings of *gasp* the Gay *ungasp*.  Anyways here is the first installment written about M!

 October 02, 2008

     I think of kissing you.  How would I feel?  Would it just be the dull feeling?  Would it be an explosion of sexual energy?  You bitch about life and I think it's cute.  I love being alone with you.  I love making you laugh.  I want to spend all my time with you.  Am I in love with you?  But here you are with a fiancé.   Will your marriage be successful?  I can tell we wouldn't be good in a relationship, but still I can't keep from thinking what it would be like to kiss you.  I think about hugging you, your warmth.  I spend all this time wondering.  And I will forever wonder until I find another man.  Will I accept marriage like my father did only to lead to the unhappiness of my spouse?  For now I live in a limbo, not knowing.  You'll never know how I felt about you.  I love you.  You make me question who I am.

QBP: "I am the love that dare not speak its name." -Lord Alfred Douglas

Retreat: The Catholic Way

     Being raised from birth to college as a Lutheran, I am no stranger to a ritual heavy worship service.  People connect to God through all sorts of interesting and odd ways: drugs, snakes, flagellation.  Those are things I know don’t connect me personally to God.  My list also includes ritual.

     Ritual leads to familiarity which leads to acting without thinking.  I cannot connect to God if I am not thinking.  The phrase “going through the motions” should never apply to one’s relationship with God.  (Well not if they want to continue that relationship.)

     Everyone of course has their own way to God.

     I say all this to give you background before I talk about the Catholic services I attended at the monastery.  I’ll get all the lauding out first.  The main cathedral was gorgeous, beautiful and vast with plenty of statues, stained glass windows and amazing, striking paintings.  The pipe organ was the largest I’ve seen in person.  The monks were very monky in their somber black habits.  The acoustics in the cathedral gave the monks’ monophonic chanting a haunting reverberating feel.

     Now the bad, well not bad, but awkward and disconnecting, as an non-Catholic I was struck by how much previous knowledge you needed to feel comfortable at the service: when to kneel, bow, cross yourself, how to pronounce the Latin correctly.

     The service made me feel like an outsider and I feel religion should be welcoming.  So not only did I not get on board with the ritual, I felt the service was like a dumb blonde: very pretty, but not much substance.  (I'm well aware this is harsh, but it's how I see the Catholic church in my mind.  I'm also acutely aware that the Catholic church does wonders for some (though mostly not the gay folk) people.  I am not one of those people.)

     Again this is my opinion as it applies to how I interact with God and perceive the Catholic service.  The pomp and circumstance of various entrances of the monks and priests made it very clear who was holier.   Additionally it struck me that in this huge cathedral, that there is so little seating.  Isn’t the point of religious homes to give places to the worshippers?  The cathedral seemed rather empty, particularly with high vaulted ceilings.  Seems ironic that of all places a monastery be home to such a lavish cathedral and grounds.

     And the rules.  One of my fellow retreat goers got schooled because he was seen eating an apple before mass, and you cannot eat or drink anything an hour before you receive communion.  It’s my feeling that such rules (and the strictness of them) alienate people more than they bring people closer to God.  Does God really find it necessary to adhere to all these rules that aren’t in the Bible and yet be okay with all the various rules in Leviticus that get conveniently forgotten (except that one they can't seem to forget Lev 18:22)?

     All this leads to a question: are all those trappings necessary?  Short answer: no.  Don’t get me wrong, I like a church that’s easy on the eyes.  But I see those great cathedrals in Europe more so as historical pieces, than active places for worship.  I’m the type of person who needs a close and personal relationship with God.  There were so many distractions (the pretty, the ritual, the confusion) that I felt further from God than when I came in.

     But then again I’m the type to more likely to find God in nature, music and love, so that’s me. 

QBP: "The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals.  That doesn't mean God doesn't love heterosexuals.  It's just that they need more supervision." -Lynn Lavner

Everyone has their own way to God.  Here we see Pink's.

Non-lesbian is not a lesbian (and she wants everyone to know )

     Previously I went out on a date with a girl, A, who claims not to be a lesbian.  Since then we’ve hung out a couple times, and went for a few walks.  This week she asked me if I wanted to hang out, and I agreed.  We went to this pub we’ve been to a couple times.  What followed is the most awkward friend date I’ve ever been on. 

     First of all she couldn’t help but say very often, about how she hates men.  (Now I personally like men; I just don’t want to sleep with them.)  She went on to say how various members of her family think she’s a lesbian, including her grandmother.  To add to this, she told me about this women's studies course she took in college.  Even I haven’t taken a women’s studies course!  (Update: When a mutual gay friend of ours asked why Tegan and Sarah were so popular in lesbian circles, non-lesbian, A, was very quick to say "they're lesbians!"...I just can't figure her out.)

     The most awkward moment was when she said if she was a lesbian she would want someone who wasn’t interested in feminine things.  Then she added she guessed that’s why she likes men.  I point out there are women who aren’t interested in feminine things (like myself as she very well knows) and then, a pregnant pause.  I felt bad for some reason and quickly changed the subject.

     To add to the confusion of the night she kept on emphasizing this date she went on with her very male ex and how the kiss they had at the end of the night was just so amazing.  But that going on a date with an ex was a “bad plan”.  Also she implied she’s never had sex, because she’s waiting for marriage.  Well I’ve never had sex either, but I’m waiting for women.

     She befuddles me.  Being gay is confusing sometimes.

QBP: “I’m not gay!” -Naomi  Skins

.....................................................

No, you're not gay...

For those ALC virgins out there

A short post since I posted twice (and both of them long) yesterday.

     I'm starting to feel more comfortable in my blog writing.  I feel like I'm figuring out what I want to address and what I want to focus on.  And now that I've found my voice I'm trying to spread the word out about this blog.  So if you're new to the blog I am an admittedly young closested lesbian.  The overarching purpose of this blog is to help show that one can be gay and be tight with the big guy in the sky.  But as is the case there are other interesting aspects to lives and I want to talk about those too.  So I complied a list of focuses (foci?).

- Bringing Gay and God together

- The journey to figure out what Butch means to me and how I can abide by that

- Questioning sexuality and what's it like when you don't know your whole life

- My love life (or more likely lack of)

- What it's like being closeted particularly as I embrace my Butch identity

- If things go according to plan, my entrance into the military and as a result DADT

- Perhaps some fiction and other forms of revelry

- And most importantly having fun and trying not to be too serious

Quotation of the Blog Post (QBP): "For a long time I thought I wanted to be a nun.  Then I realized that what I really wanted to be was a lesbian." -Mabel Maney